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Old 02-16-06, 09:36 AM   #1
atti?
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"Mother's Crooked Smile"

IP: 28AD 5545

Cellophane pearls
Wrap the sidewalk
Tall in fallen worlds.
Concrete gasps
Grip at a swinging
Pendulums pass.

The sands of us
Bound by blood.
Each droplet expired
To become one
Of piece in attire.

The earth draped
In our brittle fingers;
Blistering gaze
Kisses the king's
Last clean palm,
Upon its shattering.

Our masterpiece,
Dropped to the sky.
Fallen from the eye
Of Satan to street.

The earth cries
From the bowels
Of porcelain smiles.
As the tears dry;
Dust is swallowed
Upon a devils
Settlement signed.

Forever higher
Falls evolution.
Confusion tires
Yet, burden of cracks
Surpass solution.

And here we stand:
We're knee deep
In a gift for land.
Given to Mother,
Yet not even she
Can be its lover.

As thin ice breaks,
Becomes puddle;
we stand in the way:
Ankle deep...
We're dammed it seems.

Troubles born;
Bastard by fearing
Fathers scorned.
The lines are drawn;
Mother's crooked smiles
wild ends nearing
Every last dawn,
Eclipsing the sun.

Mans greatest mistake.
Wrapped the earth
Within selfish pace.
Taped Mother's mouth;
Then crossed over
The bridge into rain.

Spared wet feet
By exchanging,
damp theory.
Blind minds race
For perspective;
The bats fold
Their ears in.
And here sings
the ignorant ode
to reversed thinking.

Now the selfish
Walk their cracks...
Eyes: black circles
Mark a Devils pact,
As they circle
The cracks exhale;
Gasping again...
But then to Inhale.
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Old 04-01-06, 07:32 PM   #2
Terumoto
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Text Record: 44-10
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This was dope. Fuckin dope.

Such condensed language.. It was completely packed with emotion and meaning. The theme was ill... Im pretty sure I picked up what the poem was about and all that but I could be wrong.

The last two stanzas were really nicely worded.

The bats fold
Their ears in.
And here sings
the ignorant ode
to reversed thinking.


That bit was ill.
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Old 04-01-06, 08:08 PM   #3
Valerie
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dope shit atty.
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Old 04-02-06, 10:02 AM   #4
atti?
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Thanks for the feedback. OMB, I just reopened your poem, I'm going to try and reply to it today if I get some time later in the day.
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Old 04-03-06, 09:01 AM   #5
Critic
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Dam fam's this was well dope, it was a really good read I like this bit:

Now the selfish
Walk their cracks...
Eyes: black circles
Mark a Devils pact,
As they circle
The cracks exhale;
Gasping again...
But then to Inhale.

Dopeness stay up fams and keep writing.

1~
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Old 04-03-06, 01:31 PM   #6
~Babylon~
~Lyrical Nirvana~
 
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wow this was ill!......

imagery was amazing....the metaphors are still dancing around in my head....i loved it...the natrual rythm tha was created was amazing it gluided smoothly from word to word....

great drop!
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Old 04-03-06, 11:58 PM   #7
Ancel
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Nice metas in this one... you imagery was mazing aswell as your emotion and once again with the short lines and stanza... mabye i should switch to it? *nah to much work to transition* but very nice piece here man... *nominated*
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