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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
08-16-06, 01:00 PM
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#1
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New to RV
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Rainy Day.
IP: 8C16 07E6
It rains at the funeral of my true best friend My father died at age 32, To early to end God wasnt doing his job watching over us, why Does he like watching people die, Or children cry No body understands, I'll give it all away Just to have someone to hold on to, not today Why did dad past away, my tears trip over each other Serprisingly I have more emotion about it then mother And the rain just makes the emotions grow and grow It feels like these last few hours go on by really slow It's been 7 years and another person close has fallen My brother Aaron passed away, Whole family is ballen See Aaron was the nicest person in our town He would see you cry, And totaly destroy your Frown He was like the Angel of the country we love and cherish Watching it fall made him sad, So it came time for him to parish I coudlnt do a damn thing about it either, He was my closest friend 16 years old? Aww hell no it's to ealy for his time to end And when we barried him on that cold rainy day I could see his Angel fly, With Only one thing to say "dont let your world die, Dont let you friend lie... Or else us Angels will come down while we cry" |
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08-16-06, 01:08 PM
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#2
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New to RV
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IP: 8C16 07E6
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2820274
Florishing Secrets http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2820275 Silence Of the Wolf God |
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08-16-06, 01:22 PM
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#3
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New to RV
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IP: 8C16 07E6
Upping for my feedback.
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08-16-06, 01:39 PM
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#4
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I Hurt.
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IP: E98E E7FA
It's a good start, I liked the way ya ended the piece for sure.
Just work on adding more complexity in the future. That means using a bigger vocabulary, that will help you add emotion to your piece. Also, work on adding multies to help the flow, multies are imperative in topicals. Good job tho |
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08-16-06, 01:40 PM
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#5
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New to RV
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IP: 8C16 07E6
Ok, I have A Poetic Peice that might Interest you.
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08-17-06, 08:19 AM
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#6
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Just searching.
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IP: 707B E979
You don't need a big vocabulary to have good emotion, but it does help...you have to have metaphors, even alliteration will help because it can be pleasing to the eye while still maintaining a dark piece.
I'll possibly leave proper feed later. Maybe. Kinda. |
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08-19-06, 01:30 PM
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#7
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oh yea?
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IP: 88B4 70B0
what did the angel say at the end, dont let your friend lie?? wtf??, isnt the friend dead??. maybe I read this wrong or something, that just came off like you might have made a mistake, anyways sad shit here, anytime speaking about a funeral and a friend its sad but yea not bad here, the middle was the best part, kind of started off slow and I didnt like the ending since I obviously didnt get it, but keep dropping.
__________________
AIM = David Lama says
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08-19-06, 05:24 PM
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#8
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New to RV
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IP: 8C16 07E6
Aiight thankls.
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08-29-06, 06:59 AM
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#9
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New Jack
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IP: FB93 FC6B
i like it ,it could of had better rhymes i liked the emotion,and it seems like the end could be a chorus in a song if you put it in audio
i give it a 7/10 so can you return the favor and give me feedback on my piece its heads 2 da sky-wiley d |
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08-29-06, 03:57 PM
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#10
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Whys That?
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IP: 5285 DC82
vocab needs to be upped, apart from that is was a good read, very original and has a small amount of poetic influence behind it. Content was enjoyable and decent. Good drop.
Join verbal emotions topical tournement. |
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