sometimes i feel like i'm gonna die nameless
living life through other's eyes, trying to be painless
heart's been brokin so many times before
i finally thought. i couldn't fall in love no more

but then came along a new girl
try love again, sure i'll give it a whirl
i've did it once, i'm sure i can do it again
i wanna tell her, let's be more then just friends

i enjoy every moment, that i am with her
"I remember" each moment, not one blur
i dunno what else to say or think
thanks for listening, but my pen's outta ink

just somethin i was bored
title is love again
tried to change it, dunno if it worked, but meh
anyway hit me up wit odme feeback

peace

lol at the title change i tried that with one of my peices and it doesnt work thats vboard for ya



I liked the beginning the pain brought out through the first stanza
it made me want to keep reading


first line intrigued me the rhyme was basic but it worked for the peice the last bar was good too.
it shows your realization that you can love this girl and try love again



THe ending finished the peice well its true you cant say everything
in one peice but for this peice you did alot to describe what its like to love and love again

~~elev~~
pz DF

thanks,
uppin for more

i liked the first title and then i read the poem.............coming up with a concept is hard unless you look at life...try to avoid using the stereotypical ideals set forth by our poetic forefathers..i.e. love, nature, grief, etc. push the envelope a little. the poem wasn't bad just basic in everything from the topic to the words to the scheme....not bagging on ya just trying to help you elevate......1

I wouldn't say basic, just conventional. Normalcy, if you will. It could do with a specific personal touch that we all would add to our own peices.

But this peice is sort of a skeleton to something greater. I guess, I dunno, I'm an idiot.

~Shalom~

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Quote:

Originally posted by Bruklor Nec is just dumb

I'm taking that as a compliment.

kept me glued,good vocab,nice structure.

Approached it with a fairly basic style. You know, an 'everyday' style.

You laid some good things down. But i felt it was lacking in that edge. That edge that comes from 'real' emotions. You know, ones that are personal and/or hearty. It needed that...

...still, a decent piece to build on.

...resp...

yes...very...very basic...peep son...neva start ya poem wit ya title if it really could be somethin great....and "Die Nameless" caught my eyes just by that very title...n u fucked it up even more by startin that as ya openin...*tisk, tisk, tisk*....man...ya flow was aiight...but you tried a liiiil too hard wit that "im white so what, i still spit slang right" typa flow...

ha!,..n i thought you were referin to that lil girl in ya siggy when you spat that one line


but then came along a new girl
try love again, sure i'll give it a whirl


hahahhhhhaha...ROTF!!..i couldnt resist..


but yea...you just need to elevate some...work on ya structure n how you gonna approach it...n convey it to the reader....n work on ya flow..dont "try so hard" just do it...know you do it....


aiight


igido

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freelance

RN Vs RB WAR!!....yr 2000...vet~~YEA I SAID VET!! WHAT YOU WANT ME TO PROVE IT? STEP THEN YOU FUCKING HOMO'S

nice piece...i liked it..but not as much as i liked the other one..you have a lot of talent...you write good stuff...THAT LINE THAT MADD PREACHER POINTED OUT WAS MADD FUNNY...THAT WAS VERY WHITE..LMAO....OH YOU ARE WHITE AREN'T YOU..OOPS

haha yup
thanks tho

lol...dont worry bout your avatar son..you didnt have to change it...just wanted to make a point...just 'elevate my son' elevate....heh

igido

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RN Vs RB WAR!!....yr 2000...vet~~YEA I SAID VET!! WHAT YOU WANT ME TO PROVE IT? STEP THEN YOU FUCKING HOMO'S