I may be ill but that aint fo me to tell/
cuz i could give a shit! fukk 'heaven' i wanna go to 'hell'//
In school 'show n tell' i had nuttin to bring, seems i always used to 'fail'/
my 'rain' was always 'hail', so i'd pray n talk to 'Mary'/
home-life was worse cuz i was never treated 'fairly'//
wouldnt dare put a foot wrong cuz i new i'd get a 'beatin'/
peeps say i'm screwed up but dont u think that was the 'misstreatin'?//
an fuk all the emcees that i keep 'defeatin'/
maybe i'm just 'cold', shit ma place had no central 'heatin'//
never been one for 'repeatin' but the words 'help-me' kept scrollin through ma 'mind'/
peeps say i'm 'one-of-a-kind' but thats cuz of the hard life i've had i think you'll 'find'//
'Entwined' wit visions of a happy home were perceptions of 'Pain n hate'/
people thought i used to leave the house early so i'd never b 'late'/
truth is, if i 'hung' fists would b 'swung' an i'd b receivin em, shit was like 'fate'//
so i kno the visions of the happy home were just me 'dreamin'/
never one for 'sceamin cuz all i heard was 'screamin'//
a life wit no 'meanin' is wat i'm 'livin'/
never 'received' shit it was always me 'givin', then people ask me how ma bodies still 'dtiven'//
a strong person? damn, i dont kno any 'different'/
got maself to were i'm at so u damn right i'ma 'represent'//
"Biigie" said it best cuz 'i dont wanna live no mo'/
but now i met this girl an i aint really 'sure'//
could she b the one to turn ma mind 'pure'?..
a representative of beauty an thats on the 'inside'/
night after night to meet a girl like her i've 'cried'//
to have her by ma 'side' would fill me up wit 'pride'/
i nearlly lost er an i'd b a fool to let this chance 'slide'/
me obide? if 'needed', said she aint bout the money but like a 'princess' she'll b 'treated'//
so i guess i gotta say ma hearts been 'defeated'/
an girl the way i feel 4 u? love 'undisputed/////'



Comments would b appreceated.....

OKay OKay

...

Your flow was nice throughout..well don on that


I hate to be harsh but...i'm hating myself right now

The content was like BLAH...I mean people who have really hard times don't boast about it or express it when such a newb...well i wouldn't...try looking to expand your skills before dropping problems...I understand you may of used it as a vent for the anger..but it was all too played...And if this doens't happen to you and it was fiction...Just leave rap...

Giving you the benefit of the doubt...Your flow was nice just try getting some sort of topic

thnx but i was jes postin my thoughts, an newby? lol n e way, uppin./..

uppin

Hmmm.....well this was basic,you got some room to elavate.Let me help you out here a bit.

Your flow was there it was on-point.But we don't need the '@the end of every line.We can read,and if your gonna post your writtens or whatever it isn't a 'freestyle' it's called a 'keystyle'.Now you diden't really have a topic going on here which caused it to not make that much of sense.It seemed like you were just writting stuff off the top of your head.Always rember to establish a topic in ur head before you write it.Then you can figure out how to word it later.

Heres some things to improve on;
-multis
-metties
-vocab
-wordplay
1

That was really good.........I overstood everyword you said......nice piece......and all these people are talkin' bout vocab and how to elevate and shit?? lmao......

thnx bazzy, they jes dont kno lol....check battles?