After:
Wakin up each mornin~
not knownin if i can survie anotha day~
i despise the outside world~
mine as well just bury me 6 feet deep~
cuz in here it feels like eternally i will sleep~
niggas screamin all night~
tryin to fall asleep is a fight~
Eatin~niggas get stabbed n beaten~
if death is life ive been cheatin~
and God the teacher is punishin me~
my life has become nothing more then deminish~
i dunno if i can make it any more i cant finish~
people get shanked daily~
the ghetto made me like dis~
wish i could pop some pills and end this~
only one that might miss~is my son~
if i make it out of here~Life is a game and ive won//

Before:
smokin~drinkin~tweakin~aint thinkin~
just hittin them bodies wit bullets~
Lifes a trigga~time to pull dis~
biggest name on de street~
shit nigga i roll 50 deep~im elite~
been hit wit da hollow~
lead into my body bullets still in just stiches~
fuck them bitches~ima hit it then quit it~
Crip rollin up wearin da blue~thinkin they hot shit~
me n Coma crew (kings faction) roll up n spit da clip~
hit couple~lead entered a head instant death~
Life hates me as if i was MCbeth~
it all started to deminish~
I wish i could replinish it but it aint happenin~
arrested beaten~
takin to the station seaten~
went to jail~got 8 years~
many tears~no good bye~
just one hood cry///

Before was definitely better than After...

The lines just seemed to connect much better...

in After it's a lot of "blah blah blah rhyme, blah blah blah rhyme"

Before has much better internal rhyming structure...

personally i think spelling means a lot if you want to post text lyrics...im not hating, im jus tired of wading through endless varis of everybody's typeslang... ya feel?

keep on working, id like to see some more positive minded verse from you... but not saying you should switch topics...

{Peace}

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Yeah this was a alright piece, a decent read, it flowed pretty well through out the piece i thought, your structure was pretty good, your vocab was alright, and your content was good, overall id say a good piece, keep dropping.

that was ok man, i thought the vocab was on target through most of it, the vocab and wordplay were both pretty good, ur content and topic were semi original, overall that was an aight drop, keep postin and elevatin.

peace......