Topic:Suffocating

Due date: saturday
judging ends: monday

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Vote #1
Vote #2
Vote #3

The night sky emerges and mommy tucks me into bed
I look around my bedroom and remember what he said
Feeling threatened and disrespected but couldn't dare react
Mommy squeezes me tightly and feels the welts on my back
She whispers softly into my ear, don't fear.....never fear
her beautiful sirens vibes in my head started to stopp the tear
SMASH!!! I heard a crash and the droplets began to scatter
She caresses her ring as she sniffles and curses all of Saturn
Shes pantomiming dying in a glass box all the while claustrophobic
Death to us part in a broken home... envying the homeless
Im hearing loud swearing and mommy sweeps me off my feet
She runs to the door clutching me as she protects the car keys
As her mascara smears we drive off into the sunset at night
Mommy holds my hand and takes a breath...as we start a new life

I walk out and step into a world of vilonce and dispare//
where either cats are rich or are addicted to welfair//
Peeps go out to buy arms cause theres war to declair//
so much negativity around that it seems hard to care//
And the pollution only makes my lungs darken//
cigarret smoke's the main reason for my nasal congestion//
Lord, I have more than a confession to make//
it is obvious that this world is planning its own wake//
I'm about to suffocate, my eyes water from the smoke//
I choke from the blood that evokes from the dead folk//
My lungs shriver up quicker than a alcoholics liver//
the more I fight it, the harder it is for me to breath easier//
I cough and weeze but the government does nothing//
cause they know progress cost money and they ain't paying//
So I'm stuck in this rat hole looking for a way to escape//
before I'm out of air and die, I refuse to suffocate.

This wasn't that good. .I mean walter wall you came really really basic, I read it through like 4 times to see if I missed anything & im pretty sure I didn't, It was just really basic, But akira your flow outshone walter by quite a bit escpecially towards the end. .It generally picked up near the end & its nice to see a metaphor in your piece. .

Vote-Akira Son Bio

upp'n

VOTE!

i vote the opposite of the first kid.
walter wall had an interesting verse. interesting take on the topic.
however, i could have told you before the verses began that one of them would take the played approach to the topic, akiras approach . wasnt bad from akira, but i wouldve liked to read something not about society suffocating you but something more interesting topically like walters topic.


vote= walter.

i agree with feeble...........

i was likin walter whole story verse which played very well with the topic...Akiro's wasnt bad but his take on this seemed like the easy way out...its an obvious kind of way to depict this topic...
both came nice with flow and everythin
but i give it to walter ...

they were ok drops for newbies, trust me....i have seen much worse, Walter i lyked how you played tha roll of tha lil boy....it enhcanced tha story greatly, i lyked tha imagary in akiro son bio's
tha break down:

Walter Wall- Rhyme Scheme: 6, Flow: 7, Story: 8, Total: 21
Akiro Son Bio- Rhyme Scheme: 6, Flow: 6.5, Story: 7, Total: 19.5

my vote goes to walter, your story won it for you, you need to work on your rhyme scheme, and akiro elevate your story telin, no hard feelins, peep my ish, stay real, peace, 1

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