I think that as you being a newb that it would really do you some justice to check out the wackness forum and try and get some tutorials so that you can learn some new ways of dropping your style. A couple of thingz that you need to work on as i see it is your originallity in your rhyme scheme, it's a little repetativ. the flow and the idea is really played out but you presented it well. But the thing that killed this pz was the structure. You don't need the // like others have mentioned and just so you have an idea:
Your flow looks a little something along these lines
when really you want your rymes
to look alot more like dis
wit a more consistency
the lines should be alot longer than this but remember to count syllables. pz and luv
check out my drop wisdom thanx

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Let God speak for the underground Psalm 49 16-17
16 Do not be overawed when a man grows rich when the splendor of his house increases
17 For he will take no thing with him when he dies, his splendor will not descend with him
18Though while he lived he counted himself blessed - and men praise you when you prosper-
19 He will join the generation of his fathers, who will never see the light of life

20 A man who has riches without understanding is like the beasts that perish