this is just something i wrote today, to cool myself off and i just wanted some feedback on it..nothin too special....

TEARS FOR A MINUTE
the tears only drop down from my eye for a minute
when i think about you i cry, then its finished
the heartache lives on inside, but i deny it
caws i know with time, ill survive, so i just hide it

this emptiness is a pain worth more than suicide
but the solid mask i am wearing tells you otherwise
only for a minute can these tears hold my defeat
then i come to realize, this life still is not yet complete

im still standing strong, and even tho its pretend
im no longer frightened to let this sensation end
people say im in denial, but my heart defends it
caws i've watched the tears drop just for a minute

aight thats it tell me what you think??oh and i kinda ended it too short in my opinion...so let me know if you think i should keep it going??...thanks....

__________________
my head is clouded with senseless doubt
but this seems to be my only escape route
so ill slither my way across the ground
to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

I'm knew to RB, but i liked it. The rhyme scheme and structure was maybe too simple, but overall i enjoyed reading its emotion.

that was a great piece full of more emotion than ive seen so far in here. nice work. some things you need to work on - for this type of poem, nothing much... complexity isnt needed. just keep it up. would give a longer more detailed reply but im replying to a lot in here now & dont have time. -FM

^^^^please post 3 replies if i check this again and there arent any reply links im takin it down...

-1-

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SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next?
sacred scriptures record (5-0)

it was nice but too simple keep spittin though cuz eventually you'll be at the top of the game

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=98821 http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=94145 http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=99360

i hope that worked..my 3 replies

__________________
my head is clouded with senseless doubt
but this seems to be my only escape route
so ill slither my way across the ground
to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

thanks..come on dont sleep..anyone else?? and could someone please answer if i should add more to it or leave it short thanks...

__________________
my head is clouded with senseless doubt
but this seems to be my only escape route
so ill slither my way across the ground
to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

nah it was pretty good, like feeble said for that type of writing it doesn't have to be all that complex, just simplistic and make sure it gets your point and feelings across, which you did...nice drop..

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<img src="http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=7548">

Hey...
I really liked this piece...I dont come in this forum much anymore but this title really intrigued me..Really original..The poem itself had a great concept, really well executed..I really liked the first line and the last line..Short yet inspiring..
Nice work..I felt it..
Stay up..
pz

yo man i like your poem, i can relate to your situation.... and i know alot of people that can as well.. it's awesome writing man, keep up the good work!

Wow, I haven't really read your stuff but your pretty dope.
You had a very good emotion in this, a lot of good lines.
I think you need some complexity though...not for this type of poem but if you want to go beyond what you are now.

For instance multies metas and what not.

but this line was amazing....i loved this...

'this emptiness is a pain worth more than suicide
but the solid mask i am wearing tells you otherwise'

^^that was really good.

And your finisher was really hard....good work. Keep it up.

If you got time, peep my 'The Weathers Art'

Thanks

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Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461