Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
12-18-03, 05:28 PM | #1 | ||||||
Guest
|
the mind of a teenage boy
IP: 2314 A1E1
i've been having dreams for the past few nights...so i wrote about it..hope you like it and please give some feed back
Every night I fear of dreaming The terror I see while I’m sleeping I’m different person in my visions at night They’re all screaming; nothing is right Looking around at the shit I have done Feeling their pain, but it was all so fun I don’t feel for him, he deserved what he got Put him away with multiple shots I found him at showcase; it was pretty late Grabbed his neck; pulled him away from his date Started to punch the fear in his eyes When I reached in my picket, to get my .45 He knew it was over when I aimed for his chest Pulled on the trigger, I think you know the rest The bullet moved fast, burst through the flesh Next shot pieced right through the head That’ll teach him to watch what he said He dropped to the ground; I knew his heart stopped Ran to the car I had to leave the lot Hopped in my car started to drive away The look on his face will always stay I see red lights flashing; the dream is almost over I pulled out the gun and the car moves slower Aim for my head and say, “Now I’m all done”……… Now the sun has come; my prize still not won But now I’m left with the thoughts of the past Wondering how it all happened so fast |
||||||
12-18-03, 09:44 PM | #2 | |||||||
Registered User
|
IP: 785F 1F17
this should not be slept on i like this awhole lot..i saw his face before my eyes too when i was reading good imagery and nice structure keep it up kid..maybe rethink the title to suttin to catch peeps eyes so this will get peeped a lil more just a thought...
__________________
my head is clouded with senseless doubt but this seems to be my only escape route so ill slither my way across the ground to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~ |
|||||||
12-18-03, 10:23 PM | #3 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: 0F8D 6D53
thanks for the feedback....ill deff. do that for the next time
|
||||||
12-20-03, 01:32 PM | #4 | |||||||
New to RB
|
IP: FB07 3C84
its good i could visualize the whole thing. it reminds me of what i want to do to my moms ex bf lol
__________________
Pain is abscence of tolerance its the emptyness that conqueres the mind body and soul |
|||||||
12-21-03, 10:20 AM | #5 | |||||||
New to RB
|
IP: 4577 CD9A
yuppast will always fuck up ur head..i kno how that goes..but the title could have been better...but the poem was nice...i could see it goin down....i could feel the lack of remorse durin the process...i like it...i can relate..and relations are good for the soul..aint shit left but elevation
__________________
...do tell... Every lil boi is born shi......their ignorance makes them bold...... simply put"...wise words whisperd to deaf ears as no one hears the blurred proverbs that're always spoken clear so i fuckin swear that my where wont be here as time tolls..." second verse of 'Elevate' written by -shi- |
|||||||
12-22-03, 07:04 PM | #6 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: 0270 F202
well dang I feel ya ever time I do something out of the norm it hunts me too, even if its just my imagination
|
||||||
12-22-03, 07:43 PM | #7 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: B4D0 5D2D
pretty Ill spit bosox, well told and rhymed up tight.
peace |
||||||
12-22-03, 07:44 PM | #8 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: 9B33 081B
great imagery kinda simple wording dr. suessish but theres nothing wrong with that.....its not easy to take outside inspiration and transfer it into words nice drop homie..
|
||||||
12-23-03, 02:20 PM | #9 | |||||||
Sharp Perfection.
|
IP: 4427 B15C
your intro was good, started the piece of nicely
the way you described things int hie piece was pretty good, your vocab could be brought up some thou details in this were good, seemed natural, things were simple and plainly laid out your emotions and thoughts were strong and clear structure was basic, next time try a more complex ryhme scheme maybe nice read ~Tera~ DONT HATE
__________________
R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
|||||||
Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
Display Modes | |
|
|