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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
12-29-03, 11:14 PM
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#1
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Guest
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Poem I wrote
IP: F90D 94D3
I thought of this poem when I saw a kid shot in the streets of LA
A shady friend for torrid days Is easier to find Than one of higher temperature For frigid hour of mind. The vane a little to the east Scares muslin souls away; If broadcloth breasts are firmer Than those of organdy, Who is to blame? The weaver? Ah! the bewildering thread! The tapestries of paradise! So notelessly are made! |
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12-29-03, 11:19 PM
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#2
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Guest
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IP: CAFA B61A
um I'm sorry btu I don't get it? How exactly does this relate to a kid getting shot? i'm not trying to down you because I need to elevate myself, but there was no real flow and the verbige could be better.....I'ma stop right there. Keep doin ya thing though
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12-29-03, 11:23 PM
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#3
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Guest
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IP: F90D 94D3
A shady friend for torrid days
Is easier to find Than one of higher temperature For frigid hour of mind.(this verse is about the way my friend was gunned down by gangs) The vane a little to the east Scares muslin souls away; If broadcloth breasts are firmer Than those of organdy, (this verse is for the afterlife) Who is to blame? The weaver? Ah! the bewildering thread! The tapestries of paradise! So notelessly are made! (this verse is for the pigs!) |
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12-29-03, 11:26 PM
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#4
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Guest
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IP: CAFA B61A
pigs?? don't nobody use that nomore but okay I somewhat understand now. thanks!
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12-30-03, 12:12 AM
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#5
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Guest
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IP: F90D 94D3
Yes, hes going to elevate until he reaches the outer limits of the atmosphere and then his head will implode causing nasty things to happen. Should I write a Rap about it?
EDIT: This was in reply to some slightly stupid remarks. Slightly lost in their own 'not knowing'. The posts have been deleted. Hence this edit to explain the meaning of this post (and to emphasise he's being sarcastic). Last edited by varentao : 12-30-03 at 07:37 PM. |
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12-30-03, 11:51 AM
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#6
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Sharp Perfection.
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IP: 4427 B15C
jees ppl grow up some pls
your way of writing its not nerdy, just it takes a little more time to understand it, you have to read it with a open mind, and focus on the words a bit more. i had an idea of where you were coming from when i read it, and your brief explaination told me i was on the right track. Poetry is a form of art, that when ppl look at it, they can possibly see things another way, different from the writers or other ppl's. hopefully i'll see more from you. ~Tera~ DONT HATE
__________________
R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
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12-30-03, 01:53 PM
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#7
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Banned: Cheating
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IP: 1E8F 4208
I think you could rework your peice cuz the subject matter was kinda deep. You could deepen your poem and flesh it out more...
Write More! |
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12-30-03, 02:43 PM
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#8
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Guest
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IP: 50FF 08EB
Soz bro but i got lost from da first line, all you gotta do is make flo
then we can talk sum mo  |
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12-30-03, 07:32 PM
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#9
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Guest
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IP: 18CD 6470
I didn't immediately get the first two stanzas. And i still don't fully get them now. But the last part i did. Who are we to blame? The system..and all those who conciesly and sub-consciesly 'work' it...
It was good. Though maybe a bit too on the abstract side. Too within itself. Little to no 'link' for the reader to get a hold of. To connect with. Still, i understand this kind of piece. It's personal. And cos it's so cryptic and 'within itself', in a way, it becomes more personal than one which is eay to understand n all that...i've done many before. Though also cos i don't like to show too much personal and 'real' emotion as such...distance is what i'm getting at. ....resp... |
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