Loyalty
 

stuck in a fued, mother and father, fight for pride
so close to both impossible to choose a side
young boy, thirteen, in himself only, he confided
striking belief in loyalty, what happens when its divided?
chats and meetings, little comments trying to get him to sway
everybody wanting custody, lawyers left asking which way?
he's so confused, how can life leave him so bemused
whatever he choose, still be feeling guilty like "the accused"
he wants to call a truce, but he can't see the light
his worlds so dark, like all he can see is the night
mother trying so hard, he was the baby she held in her arms
struggling, her house had more animals than most farms
father comes from nowhere, 13 years he wants daddy time
claiming he was too young, now its all good, he's in his prime
his son, told by peeps, he'd missed out on so much
only his mother there to pick him up when he was crushed
its like everyone's stuck in a game, can't remember who's turn
boy tempted like Usher just to say let it burn
too late, in the courts hands and they choose his mother
his fathers face filled with fury, cops suggest undercover
in hiding, different identities, schools and friends
told that they'd be safe but good luck is all they can send
how could they be wrong, boy hears a knock at the door
its all silence, mother, father, son are no more........

,,,, nice drop.....feelin dis one.......by da way asl?
..........gud stuff........nice ta c ppl writin meaninful stuff

peace am out........... ~1~

nice shit yo

i like that ending..word is bond yo...good shit...just work on your structure aswell as your vocab...although you did have nice vocab you could always work on it....'

some of oyur metaphores where wack but then some where nice...i liked that farm line...but that usher line was weak.....but good shit yo....keep up the good work,.....

i was honestly feeling this story...uasually when i read something this long i getr bored but for some reason i ddint get bored of it..and for that i give this shit an A+

^^^^thanx alot ya'll.......

anymore feed????

The story was strongest aspect of your drop, I'll start with bad comments first, okay? (well bad...just things you could work on)

- Structure: divide it into paragraphs, center it...so it looks better and that makes it easier to read as well
- Vocab: could be slightly better, have to find a good balance between basic and complex

Then the good things...
- Emotion: was an emotional story and you had good emotion, could be lil more indepth maybe but overall it was strong
- Description: you described everything in a quite vivid way but maybe lil more details here and there
- Imagery: not too many, had an "in your face" kinda attitude which I liked

Had a raw ending to it, definately feeling that. This was a good read, keep it up!

DQ

some good multi's it really went together good and i was feeling it holmes,
now check mine out..."Complexity Remix Feat. Indeph and OneStepBeyond"
and leave remix

It was straight
Some decent vocab n wordplay here n there
Story was nice, maybe could have been a little more in-depth towards the end, but i liked it
Keep em comin

Peace

thanx ya'll anymore?

Nice job baby girl, emotion was madd good, it was a very interesting read. Vocab and Structure should be worked on a bit, so it will flow just a lil' bit better. A pretty good OM though, good shit.

-CJ-

dam girl pretty good

its pretty good structure and emotion

8/10 peace

^^^thanx alot ya'll

hey yo this joint is sick. nice drop ma.......keep doing ya thing. 10/10.

yo i was feelin that cuz sumthin like dat happened to me...but i was old enuff to decide who i wanted 2 go wit..i chose my dad and thinkin back on it today im glad i did...almost brings tears to my eyes when i think about it...nice drop tho...i liked the ending also...

check this this was a good drop. didnt show all the emotion of a custody battle but enough to get you into it. I liked goin into the kids head with his friends tellin him what he'd missed. It seems you had $1,000,000 words in their though. Like you got complex and then you'd drop back down to basic. the structure was fine.^ the ending was deep. I have a friend i known since kindergarten goin thru that divorce/custody shit right now so i know a little bit about a little bit and those are the outside emotions. Nice drop. i'm a leave you this link. you'll know what to do with it.
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=174352 holla at ya boy

I was feelin' this...it was good, but not great. Your story was good...my little brother could relate to this piece in many ways. Vocab could be stronger...flow could be tweaked just a little bit...and you could use some more creative metaphors. Multies would be nice too...you have great potential, keep working at it.

First of all it is a good story about real life situations that people are in, if you would have centered it, to me it would have flowed better, but its still hot
Holla,
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=175292
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=175459
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=175293

^^^ Yea I read this one before I registered a lil earlier gotta say i thought it was hott...

I tend to sway towards the more story-tellin' drops then many othaz.....

ya wordplay - Nyce fit ya vocab and Im big on that

Vocab- Nyce and didnt throw off ya wordplay( I thynk they work hand and hand)

All together I thought this was really good, not to mention these issues happen in everyday life and are realistic...so big-up...keep elevatin and doin u....1n3

4.5\5

Hot shit, good drop and good flowed

It's a real shit here.

seven/ 10

keep dropping

^^^thanx ya'll....

dat wuz hella raw. i really liked how you stayed on point throughout the whole verse.

Dope piece rite here.....


flow was very gud on the whole part nice
structure was gud
story was very good, kept me reading throughout which is difficult cos i get bored...lol
felt some gud emotion
nice concept, once again gud story
metas were the only thing some were gud n others weren't but thats all


imma give this...8.5/10


very nice piece fyre


can you return the fav girl n leave feed on this new om of mine, thx
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=177082

nice/hot shit right there had a nice flow to it and i liked that creative story telling you had in it. keep it up...

^^^thanx alot ya'll...