Ok, my first and only annoyance was grammar. Extremely annoying to me. Puncuation wasnt a problem it was spelling. Fix that and this piece improves alot in my eyes.
Secondly, Nice concept, imagery was off the charts, however, I was a LITTLE confused in places... made sense in the end though.
Maybe, since this was so long, like every other paragraph, you could have an intermission for bathroom breaks or pop-corn or something... maybe? Haha.
Nice drop lola.
Keep it up and good luck in that tourny. I read it there.
Seriously, fix that grammar and this is golden.
Peace.