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Old 12-07-03, 02:06 PM   #1
pot1ent
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[Motherly Love.]

IP: C5B2 FA96

News presenter
Daniel
Physcatrist

Daniels life was entangled in troubles
In a dark wind.. This candle struggles
To handle cuddles
His glow glinted.. To the whole village
Told to squint it.. It wasn't that bright
He sat tight.. In his really small house
Ever since Dan lyed in that boken cot
Him and his lovely mum would fall out
He knew about this as he poked slop
That he was meant to eat
Daniel's only sent to meat
When he had to go to see
Social Service..You and me
Would know him as a theif
But when kicking in autumn
Wouldn't turn the new leaf
He needed. . .
He needed to speak his mind


I know your mother was major
part of your life. Do you want to
Speak about her. Take your time


My mum was dumb
She couldn't help me with homework
I honed hurt while pain grows worse
Moans blurt. Out.
Then. . . She washed my mouth
It was the only clean part of me
I found it hard to breath
I was left unanswered
About my pet hamster
Smokey was his name
Trapped in the chains
Of my mothers smoke
Then Blundered hope
The same as me
I felt like a kettle
I steamed up.. Then when I peed in a cup
It would turn out warm b'cos it freezed up
My mum would only hug me on my birthday
So it was more special and I hoped itd stay
I could only nestle with the sweets
That were bought after I got beats

Okay. So you experianced troubles
In your family. I understand you lived
very poor and unattended with your
mums love. Who beated you Daniel?


It was my Mum.. She yelled
'Pull down your trousers
and show me your bum'
With my deflated lungs
I squeezed my thumbs
Tasting the shit for tea
Then she used to hit me
With that wooden spoon
She used for the dinner
She wouldn't groom
Shouting when i'm worried
'Don't worry..
You couldn't bloom'
She hated me.. For wrecking her life
Only her love was specking my sight
I had trouble to see
I asked for glasses
So that I could read
But then she said
'No.. I'm rat assed
Now go to bed'
I thought in my head
It was just straw in
the corner of the shed
I slept with one eye open
Incase she took my clothing
I was always woken
By her stupid moping
Numerous times..
She started choking.. Me
So I Simply.. killed her
Before she killed me
She stans as my statue
But I can have liberty

Oh.. I know you may of felt you didn't
have no choice.. But believe you did.. But..
We can work on how you killed her.. I think
we found why you killed her.. So how did
you..


I picked up the rusty fork with apple on
I looked at her eyes.. The dazzles gone
Just like A hawk.. I swooped it down
Then I found it stuck into the ground
She lyed with it there right in her eye
I'm not the type to deny.. I done it so
I'm the apple of her eye.. Now you no
If you don't do..

* A silent pause.. As she looks horified at him *

I'll do it to you..

* Another silent pause. *

It turned out he was true.

Last edited by pot1ent : 12-07-03 at 02:27 PM.
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Old 12-07-03, 02:16 PM   #2
pot1ent
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Old 12-07-03, 02:30 PM   #3
Young P
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Wow. Nice topic, and i sorta liked da rhyme scheme even though u said it wasnt meant to rhyme. You went really in depth on dis piece and used good imagery. I wuz really feelin dis one. keep it up homie. One.
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Old 12-07-03, 02:35 PM   #4
Menik
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Yeah i agree this was a pretty good piece here...enjoyed the read...I liked the topic as well...you had good imaginery like P said, it was real good, i liked that...you covered this real well i thought...overall this was a good piece, made a good read....keep at it.
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Old 12-07-03, 03:02 PM   #5
High Class
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It was a nice drop hommie. I was really feeling the topic, thats what caught my eye in the first place. You have some really nice imagery in here, and some really good lines. The rhyme scheme was good, I thought it wasnt ganna be. Cause when I first looked the lines where short. But as I read, you really surprized me. I Like this hommie, it was a really nice read...

---> Return the favor and check the flow in my sig hommie...

OUT

-High Class a.k.a Confusion
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Old 12-07-03, 03:43 PM   #6
-->FreeBasE<--
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kinda poetic

found a rhyme scheme....ehh

topic was okay, need some work on

using better vocab to get your point across

if its not susposed to rhyme, put it in the poem forums

keep postin tho...................................
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