I woke up early in the mornin, the crack of dawn
Wonderin where the fuck i am and what kinda shit i'm on
What went on, what kinda shit went down last night
I dunno what happened but i know shit went too fast right
I lost my mind there's a dead body right in front of me
Blood on my hands and shirt, the shit is really stumpin me
I'm grippin my hair my pace of breathing is speedin up
Someone knockin at the door like what i see is not enough
Now i'm reachin up to the sky askin why
Ballin my eyes thinkin all i can do is fuckin cry
I can't define waht i feel inside my visions blurried
I'm stressin and worried another friend in the cemetery
Mixed emotions stirring up all around
A relentless monster in me is all i've apparently found
My closest friend lie on the ground i hold a gun
A bullet shell where i woke up, what have i done?


The next thought that comes to mind is to get rid of it
Drive up late to a lake throw the body over the bridge
It's fucked up isn't it? What am i supposed to do?
I'm gettin closer to the Angel of Death my concience pulled in 2
I'm goin schizophrenic it's hard to manage with the guilt
I can't remember one thing from that night my life is standing still
It's all going downhill that was the shock before it goes
The guilt is building up and in my head storing in rows
Anger pooring with no thought of controlling it
His family asking where he is and who he's rolling with
I tell them he went away out of state to stay
That he won't be back his old life ages by a couple of days
Now smokin and drinkin with hope of releasing the guilt
Trying to start over with a brand new life to fulfill
But it's not workin not a fucking scrap to work with
I'm goin bezerk can't i just tell what i have that's hurtin?


Thoughts of suicide pain in misery thru my eyes
The truth's that i'm a killer only thoughts of you and i
The truth is what hurts, it all happened too fast to grab it
I pulled the trigger passed out woke up wonderin what happened
These thoughts casted on me reminincing, all the memories
My life flashes in front of my eyes while i'm drinkin hennesey
The Lord is sendin me to hell now i already know it
A 9 millimeter in my hand with thoughts of blowin it
How do i cope now? All of my hope's down
All i gotta do is pull the trigger bullets get blown out
No doubt of an eternity of torturing
Bein burnt to death a life of hell forwarding
But i'm a sinner i know i'm nothin perfect
Crazed off the refer is this life even worth it
My life can't get any worse but the guilt will tho
Put the gun against my head, pull the trigger face in my pillow
With a note in my hand sayin i'm sorry
Askin the Lord to please forgive me, end of the story

__________________
Soundclick

shit was hot nice vocab can be upped a lil structre good i liked the break down between bars flow good stayed on topic thourgh out it all good job

7/10

please return the favor in my open mic link in my sig

__________________
Clcik Hear To Hear My Music

__________________
Soundclick

__________________
Soundclick

uppin this shit i would really like some feed on this....i put a lot of thought into it....UPPIN THIS SHIT

__________________
Soundclick

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2118950

UPPIN THIS SHIT COME ON!!!!

__________________
Soundclick

I woke up early in the mornin, the crack of dawn
Wonderin where the fuck i am and what kinda shit i'm on
What went on, what kinda shit went down last night
I dunno what happened but i know shit went too fast right
I lost my mind there's a dead body right in front of me
Blood on my hands and shirt, the shit is really stumpin me
^^need more emotion in this part, refering to "shit" to much
I'm grippin my hair my pace of breathing is speedin up
Someone knockin at the door like what i see is not enough
Now i'm reachin up to the sky askin why
Ballin my eyes thinkin all i can do is fuckin cry
I can't define waht i feel inside my visions blurried
I'm stressin and worried another friend in the cemetery
Mixed emotions stirring up all around
A relentless monster in me is all i've apparently found
My closest friend lie on the ground i hold a gun
A bullet shell where i woke up, what have i done?
^^good setting of the plot so far


The next thought that comes to mind is to get rid of it
Drive up late to a lake throw the body over the bridge
It's fucked up isn't it? What am i supposed to do?
I'm gettin closer to the Angel of Death my concience pulled in 2
^^last line was a nice concept
I'm goin schizophrenic it's hard to manage with the guilt
I can't remember one thing from that night my life is standing still
It's all going downhill that was the shock before it goes
The guilt is building up and in my head storing in rows
Anger pooring with no thought of controlling it
His family asking where he is and who he's rolling with
I tell them he went away out of state to stay
That he won't be back his old life ages by a couple of days
Now smokin and drinkin with hope of releasing the guilt
Trying to start over with a brand new life to fulfill
But it's not workin not a fucking scrap to work with
I'm goin bezerk can't i just tell what i have that's hurtin?
^^this section kinda've dragged on a bit to much


Thoughts of suicide pain in misery thru my eyes
The truth's that i'm a killer only thoughts of you and i
The truth is what hurts, it all happened too fast to grab it
I pulled the trigger passed out woke up wonderin what happened
^^this seems repetitive, like youve already established this b4
These thoughts casted on me reminincing, all the memories
My life flashes in front of my eyes while i'm drinkin hennesey
The Lord is sendin me to hell now i already know it
A 9 millimeter in my hand with thoughts of blowin it
How do i cope now? All of my hope's down
All i gotta do is pull the trigger bullets get blown out
No doubt of an eternity of torturing
Bein burnt to death a life of hell forwarding
But i'm a sinner i know i'm nothin perfect
Crazed off the refer is this life even worth it
My life can't get any worse but the guilt will tho
Put the gun against my head, pull the trigger face in my pillow
^^nice line, excellent ryhme scheme, n good concept here
With a note in my hand sayin i'm sorry
Askin the Lord to please forgive me, end of the story
^^endin was decent, but it wouldve been hader hitting
in my opinion if you wouldve worded "but thats the end of my guilt story"
.
./
overall this was pretty good, some parts couldve been better but you deffinately have alot of potential with topicals from what ive read so far..
try to get more imagery n make more use of metas in your drops..
remember the ending"closer" can make or break your verse in the end

__________________

i'll play on ya consience, ya contents is complete nonsense
speak of biting, then you fucks flip everyone of my damn concepts
what the fuck, was you high..?
did you think i wouldn't recognize lines that i made
then you come up some bullshit tryna prove that im gay...!
.
.
fake fucks..move on...!

thanx man i really appretiate the feed.....i just wanna make this perfect so when i record it people can go "oh that's hard with a lot of emotion in it" you guys will hear it on audio once i find a good beat for it....thanx for the feed man UPPIN

__________________
Soundclick

uppin man this shit don't need to be slept on

__________________
Soundclick

Uppin This Shit Aahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! More Feed

__________________
Soundclick

why don't ANYONE GIVE FEED BACK ANYMORE?????? uppin

__________________
Soundclick

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh Uppin Let's Get Some Feed!!!!

__________________
Soundclick

yo it was an ok poem but this style really just isn't me so i'm gonna review it as best as possible. I don't know of the emotion so much as the imagery in the poem. I knew what emotion should be there but only cause of the situation. You established it but i didn't feel you tappin into the mind of the psychopathic action you just commited and since you said again you should probably seem more frantic and saddened plus this is your best friend right. Don't just tell me you're cryin hard, give me the image and the wave of emotion that comes over you, you know the knot in your throat and the throbbing headache that comes in waves when crying hard. The uneasy feeling in your stomach when you're nervous and the pain in your heart when the realization hits you of the situation at hand cause at times things can feel surreal and then hit you like a ton of bricks. I'm not the best at this but i'm bout to give you a link for a poem i did called "feel the emotion", you should check it out i think saddeness was in there.

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=176212

anyway there's feed, the imagery was off the chain really but i couldn't feel the emotion. Didn't hamper the poem too much though 6.5/10

__________________
My SpellBook

GET DOPER

Knowledge is Power, Stop being Weak

Featuring such heads as...Tha Q, 9th degree, Enygma,The green team, Big J and probably you! SO DON'T SLEEP!