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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
09-11-04, 03:55 AM
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#1
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Ask About Me
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eternal love
IP: 0594 6E13
aight my girlfreind wanted a poem so i thought i would let you guys take a look be4 she did...so here it is here name is shea Eternal love As I enter this maze that you call your heart, Every time I reach the end, once again it feels like I’m at the start, Every path I take seems to be wrong but still you give me another try, No matter how difficult the path I promise I will never cheat nor lie, Now I have completed this maze and things aren’t what they seem, Everything is too good to be true, dare I wake from this dream, As I await for a for a pinch, I wonder if I shall wake up, Will I ever be able to love you, will I be able to take the place of Jacob, Only in my dreams I could imagine someone as beautiful as you, ever since you arrived in my life it feels like my dreams have come true, Dare I wake from this dream, dare I challenge the sign from above, Shea walk with me in this maze, as we sleep in a eternal slumber of love
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my MYSPACE is Better than Yours |
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09-11-04, 03:56 AM
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#2
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Ask About Me
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IP: 0594 6E13
aight lets see wat you guys think...and here ex boyfreind was named jacob...
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my MYSPACE is Better than Yours |
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09-11-04, 04:07 AM
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#3
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$Thug Life$
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IP: 2F28 A819
yo that was a deep poem and it made alot of sense... i liked it yo it was dope...
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OutLawz
*(`'·.¸(`'·.¸**¸.·'´)¸.·'´)*
«´¨`·..* G_$peed *..·´¨`» *(¸.·'´(¸.·'´**`'·.¸)`'·.¸)*   _____________________
Hot Songz
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09-11-04, 04:08 AM
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#4
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Ask About Me
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IP: 0594 6E13
thanks for the feed back..........
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my MYSPACE is Better than Yours |
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09-11-04, 04:10 AM
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#5
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$Thug Life$
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IP: 2F28 A819
no prob check tha sigg yo...
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OutLawz
*(`'·.¸(`'·.¸**¸.·'´)¸.·'´)*
«´¨`·..* G_$peed *..·´¨`» *(¸.·'´(¸.·'´**`'·.¸)`'·.¸)* _____________________
Hot Songz
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09-11-04, 04:12 AM
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#6
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Ask About Me
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IP: 0594 6E13
thanks bro.....i set up that battel for you...
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my MYSPACE is Better than Yours |
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09-11-04, 04:15 AM
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#7
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Vendetta the K.O. King
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IP: 78D8 9CA9
started out a little weak, (so diss) but started to come together and the last 4 lines are money. Good looks. Work on adding depth to the beginning to catch her off gaurd right from jump. You dont want it to be just another poem for ya girl, something she compares to every other guy who tried that, or every other poem shes ever read. Make it some real talk from ya heart, and use mad wordplay to make her still love it the 25th time she reads it. But then again - dont lose her somewhere in there. Good luck with ya girl. 1
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09-11-04, 04:18 AM
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#8
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Ask About Me
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IP: 0594 6E13
i feel you....give it word play but not to complex...aight...so im gonna fix the first 4 lines..but make the first two lines hella better becuase now thta i read it again its hella weak,.....thanks
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my MYSPACE is Better than Yours |
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09-11-04, 04:19 AM
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#9
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$Thug Life$
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IP: 2F28 A819
yo man go view my new thread in lyricist lounge...
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OutLawz
*(`'·.¸(`'·.¸**¸.·'´)¸.·'´)*
«´¨`·..* G_$peed *..·´¨`» *(¸.·'´(¸.·'´**`'·.¸)`'·.¸)* _____________________
Hot Songz
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09-11-04, 04:20 AM
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#10
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IP: 3240 794D
ok i dont usually give feedback on poems so forgive me if i do badly. i really like the metaphor of her heart being a maze but maybe you can turn your love for her/eachother into the maze and their are walls and things in the way (i.e. Jacob). i also think you should add some more about her like how you wish she would do the same as you and get thru the maze together ya know?i like how you added the part that you will never cheat or lie that really plays a deep role into the fact that in the end, it doesnt help. good shit on the real. i dunno if youre girl will look that deep into it but if she does at least you got somethin there.
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09-11-04, 04:38 AM
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#11
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Ask About Me
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IP: 0594 6E13
yeah i just called her and read it..and she was all like.." man sean your like a profeesional poeter" <<<dumb hoe...lolwat the hell is a poeter.....lol but yeah she hella liked it
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my MYSPACE is Better than Yours |
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09-11-04, 04:46 AM
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#12
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$Thug Life$
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IP: 2F28 A819
yo view my song to the girl i like... Monique Tsosie...
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OutLawz
*(`'·.¸(`'·.¸**¸.·'´)¸.·'´)*
«´¨`·..* G_$peed *..·´¨`» *(¸.·'´(¸.·'´**`'·.¸)`'·.¸)* _____________________
Hot Songz
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09-11-04, 04:54 AM
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#13
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Ask About Me
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IP: 0594 6E13
tommorow i got to got to sleep i got work at 9 o clock...shit but just send the link thru a pm and i will che ck it out
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my MYSPACE is Better than Yours |
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09-11-04, 04:58 AM
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#14
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$Thug Life$
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IP: 2F28 A819
aight i'm gettin sleepy myself... got work 2morrow too...
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OutLawz
*(`'·.¸(`'·.¸**¸.·'´)¸.·'´)*
«´¨`·..* G_$peed *..·´¨`» *(¸.·'´(¸.·'´**`'·.¸)`'·.¸)* _____________________
Hot Songz
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09-11-04, 05:51 PM
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#15
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<<-Carpe Noctum->>
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IP: 3240 794D
i liked this love poem a lot and as a gurl, i think it was outside of the norm for love poems, i feel that you expressed your love to shea deeply here, you said some beautiful things and made it work into rhymes, tough to do, but you pulled it off, nice poem..............peace
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"QUOD ME NUTRIT, ME DESTRUIT--AUT VINCERE AUT MORI" O Y D   *FluidMusic* *Poetic Scriptures Moderator* |
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