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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
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03-14-06, 04:14 PM
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#1
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Above Originality
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[catching Tear]
IP:
The Catching Tears
So defined in existence left with fear in fifth gear As soon as the sun sets a new day starts to tear. Descending upon pain, held guilty upon thy RAIN For the four seasons of loneliness begins with Rushed pain. Sailing so softly in a downward spiral, as if in shame No one yet to remember of the past so forgotten is your name. Scented Failure drenched on thy body of innocence All eye’s on you as fakeness of love falls in remembrance. Slowly dripping on the shy face of essential Degrade Bullied and picked on with no friends in every GRADE. Colored racists flaring, every one pin pointing at one another Not thinking before they act as they notice there the lonely other. No food on thy table. For what table is there to begin with For I am the lone ranger sailing on thy own on the LONELY SHIP. Ocean crashing against the rocks as I wake up to a new day But nothing ever changes thy way so I may say until today. As I watched how the rocks stopped the waves with it’s touched I reminisced of a time where I had that feeling and loved it so much. For then where has it gone, for why has it thy left me alone Leaving me stranded and drenched in pain with no pain feeling COLD. For it was not thy fault. It was me all along for I had not seen. Drenched my soul is the ascending water. As if I was in a river stream. Solemnly though I swear upon your faithfulness SEAM To one’s eye’s in surprise as I glide on this believable BEAM. As you and I collide to be one thy sight of happiness is Keen With you help of guiding and my will to believe brings us as a tag team. In an endless scheme of endless DREAMS there’s no fear HERE As I float atop the ocean I call my OWN dream. The catching tears. links: http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=224378 http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=224316
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Chryme Syndicate
-Chalkin' Up Your Future |
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03-14-06, 11:49 PM
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#2
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B.I.G.
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IP:
wow
that's a nice verse fav bar: "Solemnly though I swear upon your faithfulness SEAM To one’s eye’s in surprise as I glide on this believable BEAM. "
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 Bizzacckkk |
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03-15-06, 10:08 AM
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#3
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Oye...Tu Sabes..!!
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IP:
this was nice, although you took the same topical i did.....but it did have some good bars in it and some good sense of imagery.....good job sho
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03-15-06, 03:50 PM
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#4
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Above Originality
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IP:
^^this was from the sapient speech homes...remember we chose the same topic against our opponents.....
well thanks for the FEED...............uppin this.
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Chryme Syndicate
-Chalkin' Up Your Future |
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03-15-06, 05:50 PM
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#5
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Oye...Tu Sabes..!!
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IP:
oh yea.......lol
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04-25-06, 08:49 PM
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#6
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Light Weight
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IP:
Pro: Your structure. Syllable count didn't fuck you up in any places. Nice.
Con: Annoying use of the word "thy" and capitalized words. It would be alright if you used 'thy' in a piece that was more poetic, but I'm not feeling it for topicals. And normally, i only use capitalized words when i want to express emotion and I wasn't really feeling it. Pro: Vocab was decent. Using bigger words to rhyme can only help you improve and make you a better writer which you did in some places with "innocence and rememberence". Be careful not to use words that nobody understands though, 'cause it can really hurt your imagery. Good. Con: Long lines with little or no internals. This hurts your flow and takes away from the overall read of the piece. Work on it.. Pro: Pretty good story telling abilities, always an interest but just look to add internals and keep the read up. Also, you're in Spilled Inc. now. 
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Was he robbed of the ashphalt that cushioned his face? |
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04-25-06, 10:42 PM
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#7
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New to RV
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IP:
you stayed consistent on your rhyme scheme and syllable count but like unreal said u shud try to throw in internal rhymes to keep the reader engaged in the piece. i liked it though, your details of being alone stays current with what your title is and helped give this story a nice tone.
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ASSIMILATED CONCEPTZ |
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04-26-06, 02:02 AM
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#8
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Above Originality
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IP:
^^thanks yo upping for THIS SHIT!
ayo peep my new poetry too shaded grey! in my sig! thanks!
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Chryme Syndicate
-Chalkin' Up Your Future |
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04-27-06, 12:45 AM
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#9
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Obscure Intelligence
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IP:
yo bro now that was fuckin ill as hell im serious bro that was fuckin ill
i like all of it but i haft to agree with I Am Unreal. you did have some overley long fuckin lines with no break nut i bet it would sound tight as hell if you put that shit to AUDIO
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04-27-06, 01:09 AM
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#10
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Above Originality
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IP:
^^if i had a MIC i would.
but i dont plus the comp i use is not mine so....
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Chryme Syndicate
-Chalkin' Up Your Future |
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04-27-06, 02:47 AM
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#11
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Can u guess 2v's Gender?
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IP:
coo shit join trigga town again man.
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04-27-06, 12:41 PM
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#12
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New to RV
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IP:
man that was nice....consistent flow....i was feelin it bruh
For then where has it gone, for why has it thy left me alone Leaving me stranded and drenched in pain with no pain feeling COLD. ^stood out for me...fuck knows why jus a nice line 8.6/10 |
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05-09-06, 03:28 AM
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#14
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Above Originality
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IP:
^^
thanks fa, for the feed peeps.....
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Chryme Syndicate
-Chalkin' Up Your Future |
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