nice piece, still experimenting with flow eh.......well, first 4 lines were great....i think, like i said in the other one, you use too much commas, trying to paste multiple thoughts together.......take a little more time on those lines, and word them right.......try using different vocab, descriptive words help because they are effective in representing more than one word, they can mean a whole phrase, get me?......but nice piece, good message, raw emotion........up the rhyming a lil bit at the end, gets a little dry when its just one syllable words........but getting better man, this would be pretty coo as a song

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=206108

rtf boy

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