meh, i found it really hard to get into this piece, mainly because you have poor wording, and alot of times your force rhymes, and in some instances, like this one:

I see the mental stain, but it's our religion we retain
Forced onto a train, cloud pouring rain, cry I refrain

the whole line was forced. also, you rhyme one syllable words too much, which abrupts the flow and you get a chopped effect, which is hard to get into the piece as well.

but overall, the message was cool, you took a different look at it, mainly because you described the situation and surroundings alot more, which took the reader into a little story, which is good, but if you do that, use more descriptive words to capture the mind, 'n stuff

We were taken to a secluded camp up in the mountains
That smell! why is crimson flowing from the fountains
This eerie feeling overwhelms me, I can't explain why
It's like an uncontrollable feeling that were all going to die

those were your best linse, flowed nice, nice imagery, vivid, feeling was deep....if your whole piece was like these lines, it woulda been dope. keep writing, word

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