yes ppl I know it's fuckin long but if u could read through it and leave some honest feedback it would be extremely appreciated we both spent quite alot of time and thought in putting this together. hope u ppl enjoy.

flowin this to: Save the Day by Atmosphere

Hook: (x2)
[Gene Pool]
the sorrow the pain, the anguish and the insane/
feelings of afriad, where bravery is tamed/
these are the stories of old, so listen close/
Grow on knowledge to avoid death so cold/
[Yaz]
the 5orrow the pain, the hate the 5train
lifez not alwayz the 5ame az the frame
theirz a diffrent 5tory, no matter how it'z told
but theze be the 5toriez... the 5toriez of the old

Verse #1: (written by Gene Pool)
here we go, Yaz and gene Pool ready to rip through the stories of old/
so first on the list, I’ma bout to rip the shit bout this kid named Joel/
who was ripe in age, 14 years filled of hurtfull thoughts on every page/
just to say, things were never good between both his parents rage/
fights would break, more and more violent everyday/
and all Joel wanted was to get away from all the pain/
their was once a time, Joel spaced away from outside his mind/
took that knife, and sliced his wrists, blinded from the light/
cried once he realized the blood rippled the waters of Christ/
and god guided his way back to the external flows of life/
he kicked and screamed, during that hospital scene/
and u wouldn’t believe, how obscene his parents be/
he sat there alone, emotions bleeding out from his rattled bones/
and he couldn’t understand why his parents just couldn’t condone/
cuz another fight, arguin about Joel’s precious little life/
threatenin the thoughts of the knife, to the endless nights/
then for months, hours of sleep weren’t cherished but lost/
for Joel, to afraid about thoughts of eternally passing on/
but until one night, Joel’s dad tried to end his wife’s life/
he grabbed that kitchen knife and slice, slice, slice/
then high pitched screams, Joel went runnin out to find his mom/
bleedin from the stomach, breasts, arms and at the knees/
his mom went runnin away, tryin to find a safe hidin place/
to get away from the fury, and subjugate from death and pain/
then it happened, Joels dad came out from the bedroom/
smeared in his mother’s blood, and Joel went runnin/
he found the spot, grabbed the gun, came up behind his dad/
din’t hesitate to pull the fuckin trigger, then suddenly it was done/
the days passed, Joel 17 and livin lower class with his mom/
barely gettin through highschool, cuz drugs were stealin all the fun/
already barely summin up the cash for rent/
Joel’s past thoughts just weren’t able to repent/
but it wasn’t to much longer, with the days growin thin/
livin in the projects, Joel’s life soon coming to it’s end/
there was this night, Joel was rockin at this party/
smokin pot, and doin the drugs, and fuckin all the hotties/
it was when, he brought this one bitch to bed/
not knowing his life would end, gunshot to the head/
Joel fucked the wrong girl, for it was one of a friend/
peaked and pissed, he ended Joel’s shit in blood red/

Hook:
[Gene Pool]
the sorrow the pain, the anguish and the insane/
feelings of afriad, where bravery is tamed/
these are the stories of old, so listen close/
Grow on knowledge to avoid death so cold/
[Yaz]
the 5orrow the pain, the hate the 5train
lifez not alwayz the 5ame az the frame
theirz a diffrent 5tory, no matter how it'z told
but theze be the 5toriez... the 5toriez of the old

Verse #2: (written by Yaz)
yo gene, did i eva tell you bout my boi trey/
how he made him5elf framed an took hiz life away/
if only he wouda known thingz would get better/
iz not hiz fault that both hiz parenz left ea¢h otha/
hiz motha waz only 14 wenever 5he brought him here/
put him info5ter kare, an let 5umone ele5 fear/
an with a tear, the la5t word Trey ever 5aid/
yaz u 5ee ma mom, tell her 5hez fuken dead/
an he left, an il never let go, il remini5/
bout the horrid thingz he u5ed ta 5ay, an hiz bli55/
i wi5h, he wouda ju5t, wen't on with all of thyz/
but he fuked all that an grabbed ma gat 5hot an mi55ed/
toll me ta bak away, i takled him ta the ground/
an with a load 5ound, Treyz pal5e kod not be found/
gue55, thaz how it goez, but damn i mi55 ma ni¢¢a/
An if i kould ¢hange time, i wouda loked da trigger/

Hook:
[Gene Pool]
the sorrow the pain, the anguish and the insane/
feelings of afriad, where bravery is tamed/
these are the stories of old, so listen close/
Grow on knowledge to avoid death so cold/
[Yaz]
the 5orrow the pain, the hate the 5train
lifez not alwayz the 5ame az the frame
theirz a diffrent 5tory, no matter how it'z told
but theze be the 5toriez... the 5toriez of the old

Verse #3: (written by Gene Pool)
yo Yaz, that’s some wacked shit, but wait till I tell ya about this one chick/
that I used to know, hooked on smack, crack and heavily into the blow/
she used ta take, her bathroom stall breaks, to chase a taste/
to snort a line, come to class feelin like she strapped by the binds/
of time, and her mind compressed, by these mathematical crimes/
she strives in life, hittin the books with good grades/
or that’s what her parents say, but plz don’t play/
cuz the truth is sealed, and unrevealed, listen to your daughter/
cuz none of u’s ever cared to learn about the way she feels/
so Sarah, depressed, sick of livin with the shit her parents complex/
always tellin her what classes to take, what career they want her to partake/
but they don’t see how much hate, is built inside, Sarah always tryin to escape/
so she resorted to drugs, always attending every class high as fuck/
ready to bust, then one day, she awoke in an ambulance not in a bus/
she quickly came to realize, with the rest of her that was still sane/
she was over dosing, on her chronic overuse of cocaine, a damn shame/
cuz the young beautiful Sarah, 17 years of age/
never got to see the light of day, from her resting place/

Hook:
[Gene Pool]
the sorrow the pain, the anguish and the insane/
feelings of afriad, where bravery is tamed/
these are the stories of old, so listen close/
Grow on knowledge to avoid death so cold/
[Yaz]
the 5orrow the pain, the hate the 5train
lifez not alwayz the 5ame az the frame
theirz a diffrent 5tory, no matter how it'z told
but theze be the 5toriez... the 5toriez of the old

Verse #4: (written by Yaz)
now let me tell you anouther 5tory bout thyz gurl i u5ta no/
grown up a kloned life but iz not like 5he would know/
at age thirteen her daddy fuken raped her a55/
5he would go ta 5kool, an 5kip every kla55/
5hed never la5t, her emotionz juzz 5taked higher an higher/
gettin the be5t of her, boiz would alwayz tri her/
ravin an rantin bout how they got a pea¢e of the hoerid bea5t/
the one who liked to fea5t, on kok, but naw that all 5toped/
after the 5ui¢ed attept, everyone waz 5hoked/
they all thought, an looked at the girl they thought they knew/
5he toll her frienz iz ju5t the flue, but then it all kame out an blew/
5hed never eat, 5hed never 5leep, 5he waz afraid of gettin beat/
the only thing 5he kould turn to waz guiden¢e on the 5treet/
and she started her new karreer, bustin her knees for green/
lettin her emotionz get the be5t of her They be te5tin her/
lettin all the guyz get in her pantz by impre55in her/
5he wazen happy but it waz payin the billz/
of her knew life, 5till one thing waz not fulfilled/
then one day 5he wen't bak home an pu5hed her dad out the window 5eal/
ju5t ta let him feel,All the pain he brought hiz lil daughter/
an after all waz done, 5he left him in a 5laughter/
it waz alterd, 5he kut him up from hiz head to the tip of hiz toe/
thinken of all the pain that her fauther let her know/
not ta bother with kleanin up or all that 5hyt/
Walked by her dad with hiz adamz apple 5lit/
"Wat a prik" az 5he Went on her way home/
got in5ide of her apartment an heard the phone, 5he 5toped ta prond/
afraid of whatz on the other end/
5he piked it up, hung it up, an went to 5pend the night at her friend/
thyz time it waz frantik, their waz no po55ible kluez/
an the girl we all loved, 5he hung her nek ina noo5e/
let loo5e an let her feet dangle, 5he 5trangled/
I gue55 itz true, life getz rough aroun the anglez/

Hook: (x4)
[Gene Pool]
the sorrow the pain, the anguish and the insane/
feelings of afriad, where bravery is tamed/
these are the stories of old, so listen close/
Grow on knowledge to avoid death so cold/
[Yaz]
the 5orrow the pain, the hate the 5train
lifez not alwayz the 5ame az the frame
theirz a diffrent 5tory, no matter how it'z told
but theze be the 5toriez... the 5toriez of the old

__________________
<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=red)>Atmosphere - inspirations of following in the footsteps of story tellin rhymes</table></center>

<center>Corrupted Visions</center>

<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>Giving Sight A Third Eye</table></center>

Opener - I like the hook, it caught my attention really good. Nice wordplay, kept it simple and to the point. Thats a very nice way to start off a emotional or hype verse...

Verse 1 - It had a simple flow, and simple usage of vocab most of the time. I liked it though, it was a little story. Shit like that does happen. You did have some lines in there that I really liked. You also had some decent wordplay, and I can tell your wroking on your rhyme scheme

Verse 2 - ( yaz ) I wasnt feeling it that much. It was just to sinplistic with the flow and wordplay. Also I wasnt feeling the little scene you were flowing about in that verse. Maybe stretch the lines and add better vocab next time. That would help out better with it. Nice attempt though...

Verse 3 - I guess this story was aight. Things similar to that happen in some places that I know of. You had better word play in this one than you did in the last verse. So that was a good job. You had the same amount of vocab. Try to fix your structure though, its really messing the rhyme scheme up. It was a decent verse though...

verse 4 - ( Yaz ) You had good closer on that verse. You also had better wordplay than your last verse. It was alright, but I felt the storie got ruined. I was feeling it until you sayed she pushed her father... Im more of a realistic person when it comes down to it. You had alright structure, could be fixed a little. Add some more vocab like I said befor.

Overall - It was an ok drop, the best part was the hook. The best verse was the first one. It was just simplistic, I hate to sound mean. Im not trying to. Just work on your vocab, rhyme schemes, and your structure. Aight hommies. Nice effort though, seemed like alot of work...

( PLEASE RETURN THE FAVOR AND PEEP THE OPEN MIC IN MY SIG, APPRICIATED )

__________________

yo Gene You started this off nicely man ya first Verse People could Really Relate To..and ya verse in the middle was good but i still think the first verse was the best..ya structure has really Improved since THe Last Couple Of Open Mics I have read Of Your and Ya Flow is Still one of your strong points in ya O/m...ya Skill level has Risen alot As u u write and Can't wait to read More man....

Yaz You Came Alright in ya First verse but was that long so it was a bit hard to Generate Decent Feedback Off the First Verser but your second one was really Nice I enjoyed it alot...ya structure is like the Style is more of an Audio THen Txt But still Goes Nicely....ya always had That Nice flow when ya Rhyme still The SAme But Ya have Changed it a bit.......

Yall I Have Seen alot Of ya work Over MSN and RB So I can tell yall have elevated alot Keep that Shit Droping From Ya Both.....PeacE....

wow thyz turned out fuken ill, Bloodtik yo. Thanx fo the feed, gene an I appre¢ieat it, keep it kummin yall, hit thyz 5hyt up, juzz maken it ¢hanged ma veiw on life, readin itz gotta do 5umtin.

It was good throughout all of the verses, the strucure was good for all verses. Only criticism was verse #4, I wasn't feeling that as much as the other verses. Good piece people can relate to.

__________________
I rhyme better than who rhymes better than you

Yeah i agree this was a pretty good piece here.....it was really long lol....but it made a good read i thought....structure was alright in this, just watch the line length in some of the parts....you both had good parts i thought.

Gene: your verses were pretty good, enjoyed them,...you had some nice vocab and some nice flow through out both of your verses...your structure is improving since your other open mics, keep that up.

Yaz: your verse were pretty good as well,...had some alright vocab in them....the flow was there, its stayed on pretty well....had some good storylines in there like gene...structure was alright, could be touched up.

But overall this was a nice collab...long but it made a good read...keep at it.

iight uppin for more feed, read thyz

yo ppl uppin this for some more feedback keep it comin ppl. and thanx for all the feedback so far.

__________________
<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=red)>Atmosphere - inspirations of following in the footsteps of story tellin rhymes</table></center>

<center>Corrupted Visions</center>

<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>Giving Sight A Third Eye</table></center>

uppin on thyz, we appri¢¢eat all da feed 5o far, keep it kummin yo

uppin on thyz, thyz iz great feed 5o far

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPIIIINNNN come on ppl keep the feedback comin.

__________________
<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=red)>Atmosphere - inspirations of following in the footsteps of story tellin rhymes</table></center>

<center>Corrupted Visions</center>

<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>Giving Sight A Third Eye</table></center>

come on ppl!!! don't sleep on this leave some freakin feedback.

__________________
<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=red)>Atmosphere - inspirations of following in the footsteps of story tellin rhymes</table></center>

<center>Corrupted Visions</center>

<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>Giving Sight A Third Eye</table></center>

fairly simplistic but the storytelling was very nice and you got your point across in a good way...nice flow, i can actually picture the stories that you guys are talking about which is important if i am going to really like a song...i have to be able to visualize and relate...good job....

__________________
<img src="http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=7548">

finally it's about time we get a reply in here and thank u very much for the feed so ppl lets keep it comin muchly appreciated.

__________________
<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=red)>Atmosphere - inspirations of following in the footsteps of story tellin rhymes</table></center>

<center>Corrupted Visions</center>

<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>Giving Sight A Third Eye</table></center>