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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
09-14-04, 12:13 AM
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#1
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Light Weight
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Lord help me
IP: 66F2 AB19
lord help me
i need you once again i need u to take da pain and suffering take it all away from me by giving me what i want or takin my life away lord i need this girl back in my life i love her so much she doesn't feel the same damn i wish she could it would help ease the pain it would all be gone once again i could live my life normally cuz i could have that girl by my side but i doubt it happens eva again and i don't know if i can go on lord please help make this pain end feedback please Last edited by The Mexican : 09-18-04 at 03:19 AM. Reason: iight man how is dat??i like it better like this |
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09-14-04, 08:28 PM
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#2
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Light Weight
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IP: 3C80 F381
quit sleepin on dis...uppin
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09-14-04, 11:33 PM
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#3
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Light Weight
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IP: 4632 68AA
feedback plz
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09-15-04, 11:59 PM
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#4
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Light Weight
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IP: 48BE E3B7
damn would yall plz stop sleepin on dis...feedback...leave a link n i'll return da favor
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09-17-04, 11:26 PM
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#5
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New to RB
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IP: 3240 794D
yo, u started nice, I dont kno if this was a true story, and I understand you puttin this in text form but if you rollin like "lord help me
i need you once again" you dont roll into "damn this shit sucks" cuz it jus throws off ya whole vibe.
__________________
ILL Philosophy:::: Myth MC Prephickz Mistah_Tate "Wif him I feel no more pain/ Like I been baptized in novacain/" ------Genisis |
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09-18-04, 03:20 AM
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#6
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Light Weight
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IP: 85C0 F54B
thanks fa da feed...went back n edited it...i like it better now...peace 1..uppin
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09-18-04, 03:07 PM
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#7
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New to RB
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IP: 28AD 5545
kk, thnx for takin the constructive criticism, a lot of peeps get mad at that, but nice job and put up ya new edited one sometime, I'd like to read it. HOLLA!
__________________
ILL Philosophy:::: Myth MC Prephickz Mistah_Tate "Wif him I feel no more pain/ Like I been baptized in novacain/" ------Genisis |
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09-18-04, 07:51 PM
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#8
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Light Weight
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IP: 28AD 5545
Played material. You gotta take a subject like this and make it your own. Now I know you prolly had a lot of emotion behind this piece, but that's not what makes a good poem. If you channel that emotion into a creative idea with origionality then you'll have something. No offense but this peice prolly looks like something you could find in the shoebox of every teen that has lost a love...
Elevate man. |
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09-18-04, 11:24 PM
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#9
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<<-Carpe Noctum->>
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IP: 0825 899A
i sort of agree with eclipsik, i think you could have used more creative vocab to draw people into it more, but it was good, just a little plain, but keep it up yo, and take this feedback for what it is, and keep doin ya thing
__________________
"QUOD ME NUTRIT, ME DESTRUIT--AUT VINCERE AUT MORI" O Y D   *FluidMusic* *Poetic Scriptures Moderator* |
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09-19-04, 02:46 AM
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#10
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Light Weight
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IP: 7113 B39E
ay thanks fa da feedback...i'll take dat in next time i write...uppin...peace 1
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09-21-04, 11:44 PM
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#11
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Light Weight
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IP: 44C6 DA5F
uppin
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09-22-04, 04:12 PM
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#12
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A Reflection Of The Past
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IP: A712 DDAB
MATERIAL IS PLAYED....poem wasnt long enough either there was more you coud've added but failed to do that,the imagery was quite weak...as was the emotion to this.....although the thought was good the piece wasn't
elevate dude no hate one
__________________
Crhyme Sindicate
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