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04-11-05, 02:13 AM | #1 | ||||
Banned: Biting
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Blood on the pillow
IP: 5285 DC82
Struggling Home, a man of mere muscle and bone .. Sun setting in the distance as this wanderer roams Un-loved and alone, judged by the look of his clothes The loveable rogue had sprouted from rubble and stone Covering the globe blindly, black heart vacant again .. His final destination would change with the wind .. The faith within himself will be heavily called upon As stamina is the key to completing this walkathon A trek across the globe through each of its continents Satchel at the side of his ruffled jacket, and off he went . . . Seeking lost inspiration, not the lives other cater .. but the eighth wonder of the world; Mother nature .. That's where the faith within himself would be starved again As he walks the road less travelled trying to harbour the pain More sparkling rain cascaded; a tribute to the ever green Grass beneath our heroes feet, some where he'd never been The week's passed like days, still he maintained his passion Stopping only for short breaks of food he'd break into rations Following the compass hands, the young man so forth persisted And vowed to reach the place he wasn't even sure existed . .. After Three Month's .. . North Clouds swarmed the highlands, formed before his eyelids Which indicated strongly; a storm was on the horizon The traveller walked in silence .. showed no sign of slight care His cold breath clearly visible in the midnight air Right there and then he paused, his eyes widening instantly Was it the wind he was hearing, or a mother nature symphony? .. The sound seemed to be growing, & calling his name .. But was this a cry for help, or was this all in his brain? The traveller walked in silence .. showed no sign of slight care His cold breath clearly visible in the midnight air Right there and then he paused, his eyes widening instantly Was it the wind he was hearing, or mother nature's symphony? . Before he'd even fully contemplated; the weather settled Leaving just loose leaves, a cool breeze and a gentle echo A town's presence bellowed .. a sight to feast your eyes 'Fore after many sleepless night's, he'd reached the eastern side . .. After Six Months .. . East Unsure of his true position, and yet this youth persisted The star's forming an outline around the moon in the distance Consumed for the instant; amazed by the fire's colours He see's beauty in the flame's often overlooked by others Their like lover's, and in some aspects, their much the same Each one with a flameful passion, wanting to touch the flame Flirting atop the candle sticks; until both grow bolder And start dancing to the harmony of an unknown composer Intertwining their bodies of ember light; each is nervous Both fading out as the smoke clears, once they reach the surface Unsure of his true position, and yet this youth persisted The star's forming an outline around the moon in the distance Consumed for the instant; amazed by the fire's colours He see's beauty in the flame's often overlooked by others Intertwining their bodies of ember light; each is nervous Both fading out as the smoke clears, once they reach the surface . Gallantly pacing forth on a tretch to the western basin Missing the creature comfort's; the rest & relaxation with no set destination .. following the compass blindly .. Only travelling inside the plane's his mind reached .. . .. After Nine Months .. . West Arriving to the fresh scent, of the grass & flower's present Then suddenly overcome by a rotten and foul essence Kneeling down, watching grass turn from green to brown A slight breeze sweeps the ground the leaves have crowned Making each now dance, as the wind's swept beneath .. It's nature's foxtrot performed with two left feet .. Then unexpectedly, something disturbed the plates Causing frction between them, resulting in Earthquakes Volcanoe's erupted .. Monsoon's persued them The O zone now shrunk smaller due to pollution He knew something linked these, caught in the quest Wind, Fire, Earth .. so Water was next ? Kneeling down, watching grass turn from green to brown A slight breeze sweeps the ground the leaves have crowned Making each now dance, as the wind's swept beneath .. It's nature's foxtrot performed with two left feet .. He knew something linked these, caught in the quest Wind, Fire, Earth .. so Water was next ? . The journey almost done, he was deep in thought Placing the puzzle pieces as he proceeded forth Wondering to himself whether he should write down The marathon of thoughts Running through his mind now A slight sound caught his ear .. Colour filled his face then Fore after months of chasing He'd found the final destination . .. After A Year .. . South It wasn't like he'd expected .. Nothing surrounds here But an Ocean of Emotion formed by the cloud's tears Profound spears of ice hung proud from within caves Above the beaches top lip, in attempts to kiss waves A crystal glaze sparkled from the calm & rural storm The fountain of youth releasing H2O in its purest form Waterfall's casually cascaded over rocks Our wanderer looked on, amazed as he watched It wasn't like he'd expected .. Nothing surrounds here But an Ocean of Emotion formed by the cloud's tears Profound spears of ice hung proud from within caves Above the beaches top lip, in attempts to kiss waves A crystal glaze sparkled from the calm & rural storm The fountain of youth releasing H2O in its purest form The waves had then stopped as he attempted to reach them He had now learned the message God was trying to teach him . . . Wind, Fire, Earth and Water .. they're the Four elements North, East, West then South .. because NEWS always spreads It all makes sense .. and yet ive figured nothing out We know the problem .. yet its one we do Nothing about And yes, i will put it down. Here's the message: We as human's are the Blood On The Pillow . . . Of Mother nature's death Bed. Peace. |
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04-11-05, 09:10 AM | #2 | ||||
leave you rest'n pz's
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IP: A14B AE90
Struggling Home, a man of mere muscle and bone ..
Sun setting in the distance as this wanderer roams Un-loved and alone, judged by the look of his clothes The loveable rogue had sprouted from rubble and stone Covering the globe blindly, black heart vacant again .. His final destination would change with the wind .. The faith within himself will be heavily called upon As stamina is the key to completing this walkathon A trek across the globe through each of its continents Satchel at the side of his ruffled jacket, and off he went . pretty good intro(is this a topical)?, some forced ryhmes hurt the flow a lil, but the basis of the verse was good.. .. Seeking lost inspiration, not the lives other cater .. but the eighth wonder of the world; Mother nature .. That's where the faith within himself would be starved again As he walks the road less travelled trying to harbour the pain More sparkling rain cascaded; a tribute to the ever green Grass beneath our heroes feet, some where he'd never been The week's passed like days, still he maintained his passion Stopping only for short breaks of food he'd break into rations Following the compass hands, the young man so forth persisted And vowed to reach the place he wasn't even sure existed wasnt feeling the 2nd bar but everything else was koo, like the last bar alot, gives the reader a sense of direction for the next verse......(paragraph) ... After Three Month's .. . North Clouds swarmed the highlands, formed before his eyelids Which indicated strongly; a storm was on the horizon The traveller walked in silence .. showed no sign of slight care His cold breath clearly visible in the midnight air Right there and then he paused, his eyes widening instantly Was it the wind he was hearing, or a mother nature symphony? .. The sound seemed to be growing, & calling his name .. But was this a cry for help, or was this all in his brain? The traveller walked in silence .. showed no sign of slight care His cold breath clearly visible in the midnight air Right there and then he paused, his eyes widening instantly Was it the wind he was hearing, or mother nature's symphony? . liked this part n good slant ryhming, but never repeat yaself like this, it throws readers right off the topic, n lots of peeps will just stop readin here......... Before he'd even fully contemplated; the weather settled Leaving just loose leaves, a cool breeze and a gentle echo A town's presence bellowed .. a sight to feast your eyes 'Fore after many sleepless night's, he'd reached the eastern side . again good slant ryhmin man,dont do to much though...lol . .. After Six Months .. . East Unsure of his true position, and yet this youth persisted The star's forming an outline around the moon in the distance Consumed for the instant; amazed by the fire's colours He see's beauty in the flame's often overlooked by others Their like lover's, and in some aspects, their much the same Each one with a flameful passion, wanting to touch the flame Flirting atop the candle sticks; until both grow bolder And start dancing to the harmony of an unknown composer Intertwining their bodies of ember light; each is nervous Both fading out as the smoke clears, once they reach the surface Unsure of his true position, and yet this youth persisted The star's forming an outline around the moon in the distance Consumed for the instant; amazed by the fire's colours He see's beauty in the flame's often overlooked by others Intertwining their bodies of ember light; each is nervous Both fading out as the smoke clears, once they reach the surface . this part was solid(except for the repetitiveness of it) . Gallantly pacing forth on a tretch to the western basin Missing the creature comfort's; the rest & relaxation with no set destination .. following the compass blindly .. Only travelling inside the plane's his mind reached .. . did you mean (trench) to the western basin? dope last bar, good imagery.... .. After Nine Months .. . West Arriving to the fresh scent, of the grass & flower's present Then suddenly overcome by a rotten and foul essence Kneeling down, watching grass turn from green to brown A slight breeze sweeps the ground the leaves have crowned Making each now dance, as the wind's swept beneath .. It's nature's foxtrot performed with two left feet .. Then unexpectedly, something disturbed the plates Causing frction between them, resulting in Earthquakes Volcanoe's erupted .. Monsoon's persued them The O zone now shrunk smaller due to pollution He knew something linked these, caught in the quest Wind, Fire, Earth .. so Water was next ? Kneeling down, watching grass turn from green to brown A slight breeze sweeps the ground the leaves have crowned Making each now dance, as the wind's swept beneath .. It's nature's foxtrot performed with two left feet .. He knew something linked these, caught in the quest Wind, Fire, Earth .. so Water was next ? . this was another real solid paragraph(i like the "west" protray'll) this was definately a turn in the right direction for ya piece.. . The journey almost done, he was deep in thought Placing the puzzle pieces as he proceeded forth Wondering to himself whether he should write down The marathon of thoughts Running through his mind now A slight sound caught his ear .. Colour filled his face then Fore after months of chasing He'd found the final destination . this seemed a bit rushed n was'nt as consistent as your previous bars....it got the point across, but it needs work . .. After A Year .. . South It wasn't like he'd expected .. Nothing surrounds here But an Ocean of Emotion formed by the cloud's tears Profound spears of ice hung proud from within caves Above the beaches top lip, (in) "as if it attempts to kiss waves" in doesnt fit the context..^^should be "it" in my opinion A crystal glaze sparkled from the calm & rural storm The fountain of youth releasing H2O in its purest form Waterfall's casually cascaded over rocks Our wanderer looked on, amazed as he watched It wasn't like he'd expected .. Nothing surrounds here But an Ocean of Emotion formed by the cloud's tears Profound spears of ice hung proud from within caves Above the beaches top lip, in attempts to kiss waves A crystal glaze sparkled from the calm & rural storm The fountain of youth releasing H2O in its purest form The waves had then stopped as he attempted to reach them He had now learned the message God was trying to teach him this was aight, some decent imagery... (repeating itself is really starting to make it lose its meaning) . . . Wind, Fire, Earth and Water .. they're the Four elements North, East, West then South .. because NEWS always spreads It all makes sense .. and yet ive figured nothing out We know the problem .. yet its one we do Nothing about And yes, i will put it down. Here's the message: We as human's are the Blood On The Pillow . lol,..odd way to finish such a deep insightful concept such as this (were you rushed to end it?)....... overall you had some nice imagery, im not surprised its been slept on though homie it is very long in comparison to other open mics.... you have alot of potential, fix a couple of lil things (not much) n you'll be ready ta merk topically without a doubt.. . main things to remember.. #1 dont rush ya shit #2 dont repeat ya shit #3 make your closer the most defining point in your piece cuz thats what sticks in a readers mind above all.....good drop..pz
__________________
i'll play on ya consience, ya contents is complete nonsense
speak of biting, then you fucks flip everyone of my damn concepts what the fuck, was you high..? did you think i wouldn't recognize lines that i made then you come up some bullshit tryna prove that im gay...! . . fake fucks..move on...! Last edited by ¤ÐÅž¤ : 04-11-05 at 09:15 AM. |
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04-13-05, 09:47 PM | #3 | ||||
Banned: Biting
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IP: 5285 DC82
thanks for breaking it down daz.
is rapverse really this lazy and cant read long drops? |
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04-13-05, 09:53 PM | #4 | ||||
Hell yeah
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IP: 3B6A 46A5
iight dont care if you hate me,but this was dope seriously,nice vocab and all,structure was cool,nice topic,i was feelin this one,nice piece
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04-14-05, 12:29 AM | #5 | ||||
Banned: Biting
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IP: 5285 DC82
I dont hate you^
damn,this has to be a condender for open mic a the month. I put alot of effort into it.. weres the feed back? |
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04-14-05, 12:52 AM | #6 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: 7359 8C7A
yo shit was dope it reads good shit if you can write this good i could use some help like writting poems to my girl cuz that shit was outtasight i was feelin it all the way like shit my mom us e to play when i was lil to get me to sleep keep it up you got somethin good g 1 love
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04-14-05, 12:54 AM | #7 | ||||
Banned: Biting
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IP: 5285 DC82
thanks for that feed..
just get at me thru a pm with any help you need...allways glad to help out.. can i get some more feed on this..... |
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04-14-05, 02:26 AM | #8 | |||||
Rastafari Walk Tall
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IP: 37B9 9F8C
jesus ill read it when i gets home l8r and drop feed...
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"His Imperial Majesty Haile Selassie I, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, King of Kings of Ethiopia and Elect of God" Blog Graphic Designer, Illustrator, Web Designer |
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04-14-05, 06:39 PM | #9 | ||||
Banned: Biting
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IP: 5285 DC82
LOL^^^ok
any feed? |
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04-14-05, 08:35 PM | #10 | |||
Do Re Mi
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IP: 3240 794D
ayyo nice drop i was feelin tha multis .. well have to do a topical battle now that im baacckkk .. get at me about that topical my dude... peace.one
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crhyme sindicate . . . . . |
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04-14-05, 09:30 PM | #11 | ||||
Banned: Biting
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IP: 5285 DC82
set it up^^^^^^^
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04-16-05, 02:19 AM | #12 | ||||
Banned: Biting
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IP: 5285 DC82
any more feed on this please?
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04-16-05, 07:13 PM | #13 | ||||
Banned: Biting
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IP: 5285 DC82
damn, hard work to be slept on
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04-17-05, 06:53 PM | #14 | |||||
The Epitome Of Greatness
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IP: 28AD 5545
hard work you didnt do lol
you bit from baron mynd .. i remember cuz i was the first to nominate this piece into the hall of fame banned http://www.rapverse.com/pages/105272.html
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RV's Only 3 Time Topical Tourney Champion |
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04-20-05, 07:21 AM | #15 | ||||||
This is my first post!
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IP: 6E7E BC73
How fucking gay. Give me this Durbans IP, i'll make sure his comp never fucking logs on again.
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