Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
01-20-06, 01:30 AM | #16 | |||||
in your system
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IP: 9E2F CDE8
meh, i found it really hard to get into this piece, mainly because you have poor wording, and alot of times your force rhymes, and in some instances, like this one:
I see the mental stain, but it's our religion we retain Forced onto a train, cloud pouring rain, cry I refrain the whole line was forced. also, you rhyme one syllable words too much, which abrupts the flow and you get a chopped effect, which is hard to get into the piece as well. but overall, the message was cool, you took a different look at it, mainly because you described the situation and surroundings alot more, which took the reader into a little story, which is good, but if you do that, use more descriptive words to capture the mind, 'n stuff We were taken to a secluded camp up in the mountains That smell! why is crimson flowing from the fountains This eerie feeling overwhelms me, I can't explain why It's like an uncontrollable feeling that were all going to die those were your best linse, flowed nice, nice imagery, vivid, feeling was deep....if your whole piece was like these lines, it woulda been dope. keep writing, word
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this world is a drug, and everyone's selfish FLY FREE |
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01-20-06, 04:04 AM | #17 | |||||
Black Poet
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IP: 7BC4 5A05
Sup everyone thanks alot for the feed back.
Stay up 1~ |
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01-20-06, 03:49 PM | #18 | |||
Classic
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IP: 0825 899A
Ok piece you started off weak through but it picked up towards tha middle of tha piece good concept i think you could have came stronger then you did come nice vocab i liked reading it it did get kind of boring toward tha end tho 8/10
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01-25-06, 03:32 AM | #19 | |||||
Black Poet
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IP: 2041 AFC0
Thanks for the feed ma stay up.
1~ |
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01-25-06, 04:03 PM | #20 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: 2029 97B3
this was a hot drop felt the topic even though events like this happened way back when to the people it scarred it still haunts theyre memories...i hate racist people...but nice drop man stay up...rtf on my either or both of my new drops new shit and mrtal kombat.peace
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my new shit peep |
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01-26-06, 02:31 PM | #21 | |||||
Houdini
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IP: C88C D3EF
I felt this man It was tight...You came a lil poetic..But Nice 8/10 Uppin
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