Damn, that piece was ill. The flow was perfect. As soon as i read the first two lines talking about your grandma's tears, i was hooked and decided to read the rest. The rhyming was very well put with good places of vocabulary. The structure made it easy to read. Hopin to see more from you....10-10

ahh nice piece friend...
flow was pretty nice
lines were even length
structure was easy to understand
your emotion was pretty dam nice..
pleasant and kept my interest...

favorite part:
Upon there departure I see my dying grandfather abeyant in a chair
... Undoubtedly unaware of me gazing seemingly without care ...
I see it again, as I've seen before, that puzzle labeled on the table ...
... One look before I go out again to persue my nightly technique ...
^nice....feelin this...kinda clicked imo

`1

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Uppin' for a few more feeds.. This piece shoudlnt be getting slept on.

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Blow It - Topical

wow is the only way i can put this

you had excellent imagery and emotion...best ive seen in a while...even though you wrote for a wrong topic still managed to come wit a ill verse....nice structure and flow..this was an overall top piece...not that long but quite entertaining dawg...keep this shit up....9.9/10...woulda been better if you sticked to the topic I GAVE LOL

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A LIFE OF CHRYME

rofl, I agree man. Thanks for the feed.

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Blow It - Topical

multis are solid, emotion is thick. nice over all peice.

bit of crit

take time to go back thru your peice and use descriptive words or adjective's at the start of lines

for instance...

gracefully stand surrounded & hounded with peers I've known for years ...
awkwardlly each day I wander home to my Grandmother's unyeilding tears
emtionally shovel my fears so I can inhale the stale poisen from my boy's an'
... Uphold my riddled poise above the clouds of toxic ridden joy's ...


The words I have used my not fir into the peice,cuase im unsure of your thoughts while writing it, but replacing words like I with a emotion or action can up the level of your writting instantly.

I notice you did start to do it thru out, but alot more thought and time into your peices and they will be dope

rtf in my latest open mic near the top somewere.

peace.

Finally, a nice drop. Flowed well, and it seemed to feel the emotion off this. Descriptive language was present, and I liked the plot of this, and the complexity was a nice change. Your opener to me was the best part, props.

Thanks for the feeds guys, appreciate it.

Hittin' up some of your work in return.

Uppin.

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Blow It - Topical

Uppin' for the last time .. appreciate the attention thus far.

Will RTF. Peace.

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Blow It - Topical

Sup Mental this was a nice drop fams,.. I like the structure u used coz
I feel it make the verse easy to read and makes it flow a lot better.

multis was well nice, with some really nice emotion, this was a proper
decent verse.

Stay up fams

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o.k first off feedback is meant to help someone elevate so look for the small problems so someone can reach perfection.hence why i always give honest feedback.this was good above averge even but a 10/10?no no and no to see examples of a 10/10 check out invisions work.anyways vocab is good but overdone it loses the reader and therefore makes it difficult to follow along.with vocab its tricky you gotta make that balance just right try to concentrate less on big words and more on imagery.the big words seemed forced and also hurt your syllabel count making this a decent poetry drop but something that would never flow correctly to a beat.overall this was like i said above averge by rv standards and preety much a well thought out piece.i personally enjoyed it but feel it needs a little more work before being completed.try lenghthing it as well for a more overall factor to draw the reader into it.
6.5/10

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Thanks Cali I appreciate it alot. I tend to not change my pieces once i've "finished" them, however, I will take your help into my next pieces. Thanks again fams.

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Blow It - Topical

One thing i've always wondered... how is "vocab" judged? I mean. theres not very many words in this piece I DONT use in a normal conversation. It seems to me some people have broader expanses of vocab that they use; are use to using and find it natural to incorporate it in there work. Not my fault 3rd grade drop outs have to buy a dictionary (not dissin anyone by any means).

Cali, I got about 1/2 threw My Nation, owever im tired as shit im going to crit tomarrow.

Peace.

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Blow It - Topical

most people can judge vocab because they don't understand it, so anything that appears in anyway intelligent, its immediately 'over-vocabbing'....but the way i judge vocab, is consistency, and diversity...i like to read pieces where people have an expanded vocab and really have a handle on it...i.e you, daz, atticus...like most people try and use expanded vocab, but end up just rhyming it at the end, and then everything else is simplistic......you are a good writer, knowledgable, and vocab is one of your strong points because you have to ability to describe your story with specific and appropriate wording....which is good, and also a good talent to have....

its one of my peeves on this site where people say "lay back on the vocab, dude", because how are you suppose to say that....that's like asking, "hey, next time you write, take off a few points of intelligence, so everyone else can understand", it doesn't make sense

thats why i want to be the second mod of this forum, because i'm active everyday, and if i was mod, i'd be mostly in here, giving pointers, leaving feedback on pretty much everything, but apparantly bonecollector is doing a heck of a job running this thing, ....

yeah, thats my random rant, i thought i'd just go on about something cause i'm bored, and this is a good piece, wasn't it a battle you had? dopenesss
keep up

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To me good vocab is when u use really unusal words, and like CALI said a lot
of people seem to think that good vocab is a use of big words I dont think
thats the case, It just kills your flow.

Use unusal words in place of something perdictable, try using a Thesaurus
to build up your vocab, but just make sure u use the right words a the right
time I have seen lads of people attempt to do this but use the wrong word.

Hope this helps stay up Ment

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