Today was the best day that I've had in like, three hours. new mexico finally decided that this weekend we could have 45 degree weather, and I'll be damned if carnivals and pools didn't just drop from the sky. I woke up around noon, my head still buzzing from yesterday when I drank a fifth of Ice 101 peppermint schnapps and attacked a graveyard for reminding me of my wasting mortality. My mouth was parched, and I needed the refreshment of more alcohol because I saw that badass Budweiser commercial with the horses playing football. The closest place to get any sort of beverage was a trashy bar known as Pee-Wee's that gave you free drinks if you could defeat the bartender named Brandy in arm-wrestling, so obviously I had my reasons for not stopping in there every day. They do have one-dollar 24 oz. Drafts, though. You see, I buy like, 100 of them at the same time, then I just blackout and do what I will with them. Sometimes I wake up naked in some canyon in the southwest, sometimes I wake up in the hospital getting a liver transplant, it just depends whether or not I have any cigarettes on me that night.

As I was pulling out of my garage, a war broke out in the middle of the streets between a stray Saint Bernard and three chipmunks who were known to have problems with gambling. The chipmunks were pushing the dog around and asking him how it feels to have the ugliest penis in the animal kingdom. The dog looked into my eyes with such disparity and longing, I knew that the right thing to do would be to run them all over for loitering in the streets and breaking the law. After reversing over their corpses a few times I realized I had forgot to write them a ticket and now I could get fired from the fake police squad that lives inside my head. I wrote "DRUGS ARE BAD" on a napkin and threw it beside the crime scene, so I'm sure that the sarge will understand that they overdosed on heroin or something.

On my way to the bar I noticed that didn't have any shoes on, so I thought it was about time I got some new ones from the mall before I got drunk and ended up challenging someone to a bare-foot hockey match. I got there and realized that the mall has this stupid fucking rule where you have to have shoes on BEFORE YOU CAN BUY SHOES. Does this shatter your view of reality being a so-called "free" land? This had to be considered some form of sexual harassment against feet-nudists, and I was not going to let it stand any longer. I figured that I would let the kid who came outside to dump the trash have a piece of my mind and blow theirs to pieces in the process.

Me: Hey, you got drugs in those bags? Making a drop-off are we? Where you work at champ?

Worker: I work at the Bath and Body Works in the mall that's beside the Bath and Beyond on the second level.

Me: Jesus, this is going be like levitating in front of a bunch of monkeys. Alright, I need a favor from you, does your name-tag say Cadillac?

Worker: It's Natalie you weirdo. What do you want anyways? I don't have all day to chat with some hobo with no shoes.

Me: You see these tissue boxes? You shut your fucking face then. Unfortunately though, I must be the only one who considers tissue boxes as footwear because security wouldn't let me in.

Worker: Are you serious? You look like you kill elephants in your spare-time. Why don't you just kill them, or kill their families?

Me: I promised the temple that my days of violence are over. I couldn't possibly kill again...

That is when the vision occurred. I saw myself back in China, being taught how to make rice cakes by my master John Alvagotiello. I remember how we were talking about the days when he gave up violence, and how he too had certain struggles with the code...

Me: Master, you are so wise and strong-willed, I don't understand how you couldn't control your anger. Tell me, how? How did this happen?

Master J: Eh, not really that much of a story. Some guy backed into my new Corvette and tried to run off on me. Cocksucker musta thought he was playing some sort of fucking chump from the villa that don't know the difference between his ass and a bag of popcorn mixed with lasagna. I chased the scumbag down and beat his head until I saw brain matter on my knuckles. Stupid old fucks on the east side of Bangkok don't know any better do they eh Mikey boy? I tell ya what, I still get the urge to just start swinging my fists in a crowd of these pricks and wear those glasses like Neo in The Matrix, just kicking the shit outta all those punks, knocking them into walls and breaking their chest cavities........

I snapped out of my altered state and returned to reality to the sight of five armed guards walking right towards me. I gathered the chi energy that resides within my spirit realm and readied myself to unleash what I had learned many years ago in China. I yelled at the top of my lungs and pulled out my silenced 9mm before they could react. Thirty seconds later blood laced the streets like an unwelcome visitor that was just passing by, and god gathered five new soldiers for his battle in the afterlife. Now that I had destroyed all barriers I made my way through the doors with confidence. I ended up forgetting about the shoes after I saw the Sam Goody on my way in and decided I wanted some new DVD's to add to the collection. I bought "Spaceballs" for $5.99 so you can piss off for thinking I made the wrong decision.

I kept opening the case on the way home and looking at the movie like it could just automatically start if I thought about it hard enough. Minutes from my house I notice that the police are huddled around what appears to be a sack of potatoes. I jump out of my car and make my way to the crime scene, when I notice something familiar...

Me: Hey officers, what's the fuss all about?

Cop: Civilian, your best course of action would be to just leave the scene and go...

Me: No hey wait, seriously, I have a right to know officer, that could be my bag of potatoes that's laying there..

Cop: That's the corpses of three chipmunks and a dog, which apparently, well, you wouldn't believe me if I told you...

Me: Tupac Shakur was in his stomach.

Cop:....???? HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS???

Me: This all started back in 1993...

I was in an east-coast all-star rap group known as the ECB Playa Nation, a gang of all-white suburban males who were sick of the message and lifestyle that the west coast talked about. THAT'S NOT MY LIFE MAN. I don't see people selling crack or babies getting shot over debts, so I had to represent and go against the mainstream. We represented REAL life, like buying groceries, playing sports, and fighting with your dad over how much money you get for your vacation to the Grand Caymans. Suge Knight had hits out on me and my boys for ages, and wanted nothing more than to have each of us killed in the grisliest fashion imaginable. Many of my friends died at the hands of people like Tupac and Dr. Dre, but I wasn't about to let them win. I would have my revenge...

After our popularity had long passed and the ECB Playa Nation seemed like nothing more than a speck in the eye of entertainment we made our move. On September 7th, 1996, me and the last members of the ECB Playa Nation shook the entire music world. We followed Tupac for a few blocks and drove up beside the vehicle and unloaded as many clips as we could into the car. We were pretty stoned at the time so we weren't too sure if that was his car but once we watched the news we figured that we got him. I've never been able to sleep through a whole night since that day, always waking up and feeling as if someone, something was onto me.

Cop: Put your hands behind your back and step up to the vehicle, sir. You have the right to...

Me: WHAT? Come on man I didn't really kill him until today and that was an accident! I didn't intentionally run over these anim.....fuck okay I did....but still...man I was enforcing the law! THEY WERE LOITERING, and the law says hey, you loiter you die. Simple as that.

Cop: I'm not arresting you for the murder of anything, I'm arresting you for a DUI because you have got to be drunk our of your mind...

Me: RAPE! RAPE! I swear officer the least you could do is give me the sobriety test. No blowing into that machine, though. I've seen you guys post pictures of people doing that on the net and it looks queer.

Cop: Fine then, walk a straight line eight steps and make it back this way.

I walked a straight line and even did a little irish jig to prove my coherence.

Cop: Okay, now follow my pen with your eyes...

This test is fucking easy! Why do people keep failing this thing?

Cop: Alright, now I want you to stand on one-foot and hold this lit piece of dynamite on your shoulder while you list of all the countries in the world alphabetically.

......okay what?

I got to around Somalia when I lost my footing and fell on my ass. I was hand-cuffed and thrown into the back of the vehicle like a common petty thug. As I wriggled in the back of the police car I noticed that the cop was just standing in front of the dog with his mouth gaping. I looked down to the dog's corpse and saw Tupac Shakur cutting his way through the dog's stomach. I screamed and shouted for the cop to shoot him but it was too late. The awe of seeing a celebrity had taken over the officer's brain. Tupac stood up and stared at the officer with cold, unflinching eyes. I watched as Tupac beat him to death, and screamed for my life as he made his way to the side of the vehicle...

Me: HEEEYEYEYEY MAN! So yeah, you know, I didn't have the gun okay? I was just out in Vegas wanting to have a good time when my buddy just goes crazy and starts shooting a gun at your car! How was I supposed to know it was you!?!?

Tupac opened the door and knelt before me. I was sure that I was going to die, for no man would let what I have done go. As I shook and hid my face Tupac patted my shoulder, and pulled me close to him...

"Tupac has been dead for 9 nine years you fucking idiot. I'm just napping in a dog's stomach when you go shouting about how I'm some dead rapper. Let it go and find yourself another artist to relate yourself with dumbass".

Don't you hate it when black guys decide they are going to take a nap in their dog and you mistake them for somebody famous?


Happens all the time...........


--------------------------------------------------------------

__________________

i admire how random you are ...*starts to tear up

__________________
Â-balam balam i treat yall like cans of spam

Free Time...

I Live the Lifestyle You Want to Live

Secret Society/Cut Throat

omg you didnt just type all that?!?!

Someone should sticky this .. because this is a Godly Post...

__________________
Â-balam balam i treat yall like cans of spam

Free Time...

I Live the Lifestyle You Want to Live

Secret Society/Cut Throat

please.... DONT BE LIKE "omg th4tz s000 70NG!" or... "\/\/HOA! j00 typed 4LL T4HT!!"

__________________

\/\/HOA! j00 typed 4LL T4HT!!

__________________

For real, did you type all that?

__________________

no, I didnt. I sat on the keyboard and my ass made it happen.

__________________

Intruiging story, i'll review it later on.

__________________

OMG!!! The randomness is the funniest shit ever...... u shoulda made it so it was Tupac. have him kneel there and be like "I sold 5 gizzillion records because of you" *shakes hands*

__________________

...The real Renegade before Hova...

__________________

NEVER! ... thats the way it happened.... why would I lie?

__________________

i cant believe i read all that...

__________________

ahahahahahahaaahha LMAO

OMB u my hero yo LMAO..........

__________________