MY ENERGY DROP, read out loud


In the eye's of Death, I've witnessed many acts of assassin,
None as this, a massecist, past his second chances,
"Answer this", the man says malevolently accented,
"what's it like, on the brink of death?!" The man asked him,

I'm sitting back, watching the victim come closer to my realm

"Surely you can't pass, human decency" as deep breaths are taken,
"You still have compassion, you can't bring yourself to that,"....
"TOO LATE, I'm already in the past-tense"
He stabbed him in the chest, blood spurts,
His tongue hurts, but keeps on faster and faster, he pressed,

Both are in shock, both are mine, two for the price of one

And still faster, his body jerks out of control,
Out of the hole, gaping the dead man' heart beats out of control,


The strife is over, their lives are over, they're both mine,
Their flesh & bone is my ambrosia
You're now my soldier, You're life's my dossia, You're now mine,
You're flesh & bone is my ambrosia

The monks of the Shaolin war, souls are mine absorbed into an abyss, and endless door

While the opposition smiles, bodies are to compile,
A mile high, annihalation none more foul,
Hear the silent bellows, violent screams, amongst the quiet,
Shaolin dying, a maelstrom of haunting souls flying,
Deafness from violent killings, seizures giving to assailants,
Senses are lost, blindness from the Eye of Death

The strife is over, their lives are over, they're both mine,
Their flesh & bone is my ambrosia
You're now my soldier, You're life's my dossia, You're now mine,
You're flesh & bone is my ambrosia




This was a quick write up, I want critique because I think I can make this really good, I got the ideas down, but just more....energy.

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I rhyme better than who rhymes better than you

Well, first since you said you want to fix this up. Fix up that rhyme scheme, and the structure. It is to choppy, and try to add some more vacab in there. Maybe even a new rhyme scheme. You have a great idea in the making right now. You can really make this a nice write. Just put in some hard work on it. Also stay creative, do waht you do. Dont worry about what other people like. Just listen to simple advice and keep as your style 100%... G/L with this hommie...

( RETURN THE FAVOR AND PEEP THE OPEN MIC DROP IN MY SIG, APPRICIATED )

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yo man I say the same thing as High Class, u do got a good thing goin here but it needs some hard work done to it and I think u could really make somethin out of it, so basically all I can really do is juss give the same advice as high class. good luck bro. peace.

oh and peep mine and Yaz's new collab called "Stories of Old ft. Yaz" and leave some feedback bro would really appreciate it. thanx in advance.

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<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=red)>Atmosphere - inspirations of following in the footsteps of story tellin rhymes</table></center>

<center>Corrupted Visions</center>

<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>Giving Sight A Third Eye</table></center>

I think I'm gonna repeat the other 2 people that replied to this. I couldn't seem to catch on to that flow except at times, it was choppy as hell. You need to revise this a lot and make the flow much better. That's really your main problem just it's a big one. Go back and revise this make it complete and send it back here for some more critique.

pz

^^^^^ all three definally right
really choppy i couldn't tell half the time what the hell rymed in it
you should do it over then it would probily be a better piece thanxz

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Nuff Said

when i first read your flow, i was first confused but then i got the picture when you hit it deeper. you got a unique way of writing it. work on the ryme scheme like writing standards. above all this drop was tight.

well i didnt get the flow at all.... thought it started off barely even rhyming... and the scheme ya used was too basic.... need to restart, lose that scheme and find another... it was quite original, but the execution needs alot of work.... jus keep at it......