RapVerse.com Community
 Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End RV Radio  

Go Back   RapVerse.com Community > Fresh From The Lab > Textual Releases
User Name
Password
FAQ Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 01-16-04, 11:14 AM   #1
snakeyes
Flyweight
 
snakeyes's Avatar
 
Posts: 143
Joined: Oct 2003
From: south central l.a
Status: Offline
Text Record: 0-0
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
Eye Of The Beholder

IP: 3940 2ECC

Replied To:
Prevailed Rue
Krem
Dev

Who Be The Elites That Send Fleets Across Seas Destroyin Peace/
No Cease To This Circus In The Middle East As Da Ring Master Speaks
From The Comfort In D.c Motavating Only For His Needs; He Feeds/
Off Of Innocent Meat, Mainly Da Minority, Whipped Out Day By Day/
As We Reach A Point Were This War Been Side Burnin Like A Joint/
On Point I Bring My Prespective To This Thread To Wake Da Livn Dead
Enough Said, How Many Mexicans And Blacks Are On A Coroners Bed/
Shit, Count Goes On While The Devils In Disguise Have Fun /
Fighting A White Mans War Is So Wrong,false Mission Of Freedom/
Iraqui People Now Clutched To The System, Followin A Curriculum/
Fedeyins And Pakistanis Doing The Most Dirt With Da Napalm/
Unexpected Tactics Used By These Radical Muslims For A Ticket/
To A First Class Resurection Waiting For Them Up In Da Heavens/
Extreme Critical Thoughts, These People Don't Beckon For Truce/
Don't Want To Repeat A Past, Anotha Treaty With A Fuse/
Boom, Car Bomb Explodes While Soldiers Snooze Without A Clue/
Not Knowing Who, What And Where To Shoot, Guerilla Crews/
Using Cuban Guerilla Styles Penetrating And Damaging Convoys/
Everyday In Bagdad Soldiers Have No Choice But To Realize Da Noise
They Be Disposable Heroes Used As Bait, Wounded Still They Come Back To A Country Dat Still Discriminates, This Big Piece Of Fucking Land With Fifty Border States That They Jacked From Other Countrys Sealing Their Fate; I'm Out With No Hate, Just Da Way I Feel About This Stalemate.
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-16-04, 11:41 AM   #2
Penskills
Banned: Spamming
 
Penskills's Avatar
 
Posts: 1,551
Joined: Dec 2003
From: ``Mahayana
Status: Offline
IP: 4577 CD9A

..decent piece..good content..good flow throughout the whole piece...good scheme..keep up...

~Go here and win~
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...04&page=1&pp=15
Send a message via ICQ to Penskills Send a message via AIM to Penskills   Reply With Quote
Old 01-16-04, 12:09 PM   #3
ill Explicit
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Joined:
Status:
Text Record: 0-1
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
IP: 8806 ECA8

I liked the flow the content was a little choppy in some areas but overall pretty clean this verse was overall well written and an enjoyable read
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-16-04, 12:53 PM   #4
Born To Kill
Veteran
 
Born To Kill's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,936
Joined: May 2003
From: Houston, Texas
Status: Offline
Text Record: 114-85
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
IP: FF89 3C60

Real nice message, good topic.

Ya flow was pretty good at times...

At others, downright blah.

Your rhyme scheme varies drastically and needs to be one or the other...
Whatever style you choose, stick with one.

This rhyme had about 3 at least.

Still, a good read, didn't suck, and was very topical/current event.

Peace
__________________
Merkings will occur Monday thru Friday, 8 am thru 5 pm, C.S.T.
For my convenience, not yours!
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-16-04, 01:11 PM   #5
Kaz Killinger
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Joined:
Status:
Text Record: 0-1
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
IP: D282 66C5

im feelin the vocab and the topics you hit but it do seem like you cudda took more time to assemble ya thoughts. its hot but im not really feelin the style change at the end, like Born said you shudda sticked to one or the other. either way wudda been straight
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-16-04, 01:31 PM   #6
Johnny 6-feet
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Joined:
Status:
Text Record: 0-1
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
IP: 224F DCB8

some good ideas expressed herem, but you need to follow the basic guideline of rhyming your bars, man. a few multis wouldnt hurt, the war talk at the end was good, the line length made it hard to catch the rhythm of the piece though.

keep writing.
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-16-04, 04:56 PM   #7
snakeyes
Flyweight
 
snakeyes's Avatar
 
Posts: 143
Joined: Oct 2003
From: south central l.a
Status: Offline
Text Record: 0-0
Audio Record: 0-0
Graphics Record: 0-0
IP: 3940 2ECC

thanks guys
  Reply With Quote
Old 01-16-04, 07:54 PM   #8
Menik
Word.
 
Menik's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,017
Joined: Aug 2003
From: Mifflinburg, PA
Status: Offline
IP: DD10 0DFF

1 Open Mic Per Day...Follow The Rules.
Send a message via AIM to Menik Send a message via MSN to Menik   Reply With Quote


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:39 PM.

Powered by vBulletin.
Copyright © 2000-2004 Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.