Recollect (work in process

Growing up life never was fair
Niggaz talking bout there pops mine neva there
Moms out gone
so I sing this song?
Make me want to cry
Tears in my eyes
Dry up and smile
Damn this shit wild
Had birthday s without seeing a toy
Had Christmas without feeling no joy
Now funerals moms all mourning
Dads in the system he don’t know morning
I’m 8 now already maturing
I know what it takes to be a true playa
Husslaz on the corner guns wit the lasers
But im to young for this
How dumb is this
I need drums wit dis

....
lots of personal emotions i guess.
thats good just put those emotions
into better words.
preferably more......too short.
not enuff for every lines.

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We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
Aesop.

your first should be your last if your gonna post more of that calibre type stuff

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it's not that is weak, but missing more. tell more in a line like
for

Make me want to cry
Tears in my eyes
Dry up and smile
Damn this shit wild

try this but i still left it short so you can flow;

fresh like an open wound so I cry
feel the salty water drip my from eyes
Gotta dry up, try to put on a smile
I Deal with my problems, still shit is to wild

ohh Speek.E.Z. ive read your shit quit now, no stop talkin go...nah but man it's 1st post what did you want

I agree man try an make your sentences longer..........keep the emotion though..........emotion is a big thing in my eyes an should come first wit every drop...........keep at it man youll get it.......hit up my latest if you got the time........peace........

I Bought Her Flowers
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111616

this was garbage but for your first post it's understandable you need to strengthen your lines and vocab throw a couple of metaphors in and multies and keep a good flow basically just spit the shit then put down or put it down then spit before you post it that way you can tell yourself that it sounds good

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shut the fuck up

even if i stutter i'll still sh-sh-shit on you/ pun

dead in middle of little of little italy
little did we know that we riddle
some middle man who didn't do ditally/ pun