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Old 09-14-05, 12:52 PM   #1
atti?
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"Behind Closed Doors"

IP: 28AD 5545

Look Into Her Eyes... She Looks Back At My
Face Sudductively As Up My Knee A Hand Rides.
I'm, Shook... Left Breathless While She Leens In
With Full Pouty Lips, Doubtfull Of Nothing... We Kiss.
Every Brief Second Lust Linked Screams Enter, Rush
The Essance Of Silence Until It Seems There Never Was.
One Thing To Another, Another To This...
From Soft Kissed Lips To The Pelvic Thrust Of Two Hips.

Dave: Shit, FUCKING GREAT!!!

*Girlfriend Looks Down*

Girlfriend: *Sigh* Its Okay Baby, Its Not Your Fault
Dave: I Dont Even Feel Like A Man
Girlfriend: Baby, Its An Actual Medical Problem, Not Your Fault.
We'll Can Just Go Talk To The Doctor About One Of Those Pills.
Dave: *Grins* ... I Love You
Girlfriend: I Love You Too

*Gives A Soft Kiss*


.................................................. .........

*Laying In Bed, Looking At His Sleeping Girlfried*

She's Beautiful, She Wants Me... Im Usefull
For Nothing... Fuck I Cant Even Lie To Pull
An Errection For Fucking... It's Fucking Rediculous.
I Lust Her So, Though My Lower Doesnt Seem Into This.
I Dont Know... What Is Wrong With Me?
Look At Her, How Could That Sensation Be
Denied From Her... She So Fucking Perfect
But There's Something Just Not Working... Im Worthless.

Give A Quick Kiss Goodnight... Lights Off And Her
Beauty Still Illuminates Free Through The Gray's Cancers.

*Next Morning At Work*

The Dulldrums Of Work Fall Far From
The Thoughts That Im Lost In... All Scars Run
This Pondering Minds Wondering Timeing.
I Just Cant Stand The Fact That Im This
Fucking Man To Everyone But Am
Less Than Any Many Of Women To A Womans Lovin.

*Then It Hits Me...*

Holy Shit... Holy Fucking Shit, What If-
What If Im Gay? N-no Thats Insane... Fuck This.

The Rest Of The Day Raced... The Lace
Vail Of A Stail Brained Thought Continued A Plague
For Wich Ripped Apart It's Every Counter
Arguement As I Sit... The Lepor, Me... Out There
The More I Battled My Poor
Riddle This Little Raddle Still Chimed Porn.
Simply Birthed A Dirty Thought,
That Odly Enough Just Got Me... Off.

My God, There's No Other Option...
Im A Fag... Im A Fuckign Faggot. I Cant Stop The
Thoughts... They're There Now. Now
My Mind's Been Poluted, How Could I Drownd
Out An Idea That Year After Year
Has Always Been Hiding Here Dormant But Near.

*Battling Himself For Exceptance*

But, I Could Never Tell Rachel...
8 Full Years Just Severed By 8 Whole
Minuts Of A Soul Searching Eventually Earning
All This Fact To Back Its Horrific Learnings.

*Promises Himself...*

No Way, I'll Never Say That I'm Gay.
For The Sake Of Rache I'm Sayn
Nothing Of This Odd Imperfection Thats Born.
The Truth Of This Errection, Is To Stay In Confessions Behind A Locked Door.

*Walks In The Door*

Dave: Hey Baby *Gives A Kiss*
Girlfirend: *Returns Kiss*

Dave: What Do You Say We Make That Appointment To Talk To The Doctor?


------------------------------------------------
Links:

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=208038

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=208091
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Old 09-14-05, 05:55 PM   #2
Willa
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good flow
and i d like t o clarify something this is a true story atty jsut couldnt get it up :/ and i was like its ok atty *and then i wetn to my other mans house* so we went and got him pills so no need to be sympathetic lol
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Old 09-14-05, 06:01 PM   #3
leady
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structure n flow was pretty clean, i enjoyed this piece actually, was an interesting read, keep it up man, nice drop
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Old 09-14-05, 06:47 PM   #4
L.I.
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not bad bro. the topic was cool. i didnt like the whole cut a sentecne short to rhyme and continue it next line. it really throws the reader off. vocab and imagery werent bad. flow was alright. u dropped an okay piece. you started off great but all the cutting sentences short really fucked it up. keep droppin. pz
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Old 09-14-05, 07:37 PM   #5
atti?
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Thanks Man,
Ya, And I Write Like That Cuz Then You Just Read Through.

Just Fallow The Punctuation
... But I Really Apreciate The Feedback.

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Old 09-15-05, 03:40 AM   #6
leady
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btw, RTF please mate
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Old 09-15-05, 06:07 AM   #7
atti?
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Ya, When I Get Back From School I Will.
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Old 09-18-05, 07:54 PM   #8
Ryda
Bringin The Rukas
 
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good topic and good flow
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