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Old 10-20-05, 03:33 PM   #1
DQ
Odi et Amo
 
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From: Alosta City
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Breathless Days

IP: 01BD 281D



How would you live if you knew someone dies with every breath you take?


I hide in the shadows of the leaders that only shout
To the inhumanly creatures entering a lion's mouth
Fools fought but came to realize it was just no use
When all the Aryan lies become their world's truths
Jewish faces ruthlessly shoved into hard, brick wall
Pitch-black hair, an inferior being impelled to crawl
Treated as animals: nothing more...everything less
Yet some still come to smile in a midst of distress
By having pity for the ones who hurt them so deep
For we are the true beasts, why should they weep?
Even though they're not free as a wingless pigeon
They find power and rely on an everlasting religion
They will not sacrifice their identity for that dictator
As they know he shall be punished sooner or later
Filled with disgrace, I do pray I could simply erase
It, seeing them walk into chamber with smiling face
Knowing their breath shall be taken no matter what
Screams can't be denied even with your eyes shut
The stench enters my pores, only death it portrays
Yet another unknown corps left in breathless days



Venom by Lil C
Confirmities Puppet by Atticus
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Old 10-23-05, 12:28 PM   #2
DQ
Odi et Amo
 
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Uhm...

Feedback please?
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Old 10-23-05, 12:58 PM   #3
Viva
Cuz I'm Old Skool Baby
 
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Text Record: 5-1
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this is very touching, my favourite lines were

They find power and rely on an everlasting religion

Knowing their breath shall be taken no matter what
Screams can't be denied even with your eyes shut

its very emotional, the structure was very neat, good use of metas. overall a nice poem. good stuff lol

RTF plz on dead weight
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I'm white so u KNOW i can't rap =)

I will definitely RTF if u leave a link, thanks!
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Old 10-23-05, 03:56 PM   #4
DQ
Odi et Amo
 
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From: Alosta City
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Thanks for the feed...
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Old 11-03-05, 09:02 AM   #5
Its a me.. Mario
Bone is gay.
 
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Text Record: 3-2
Audio Record: 0-0
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Meh i didnt really enjoy this one as much as your MORE piece... the imagery and emotion was better in here and it was more well written but something about that other piece i just liked more... your structure in this was superb it really made your flow smoth and your vocab was good aswell... i wouldnt expect anything less from you hun... very solid piece... sorry i couldnt leave a more detailed explanation but am kinda rushing before i leave...
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