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Old 12-06-05, 10:50 PM   #1
Mentalz
The Topical Juggernaut
 
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From: The Write Side of The Brain
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Text Record: 6-3
Blow It

IP: CCF3 0222

*Sniff* *Sniff*

... Moments pass as neurons sprint from the torrents hatch on up his cavity ...
He feels nothing but normal; it's all formal until he's laced with alacrity rapidly
Sadly, it's his downfall. In this time and space he escapes his broken spirit ...
... In reality, though, he's destroying himself, his wealth & token's dearest ...
Spoken clearest when he's soaring each morning w/ his daughter's presence
In his present mood he drops clues to rue's that are snatched up in reverence.
So selfish & steadfast, he assumes she understands the demands upon his head rants.


*Sniff* *Sniff*

... Coerced to watch the nassel rot, to consume the rich fumes of parenting ...
Little Brenda's scared, so unaware of her fathers subconscience unwanting charity
... Verily she's alone, he's slipped away again to the numb parade of psycosis ...
Paranoya is ghost mist and rides to battle alongside the white captors blown kiss
It's all engraved deeply, creeping to long-term like a wrong term on the tounge
She's fragile and young, so impressionable, so agile and fun but he'll never know
She loves him dearly but she's lost respect for the wreck of emotions he's shown
Stuborn to the bone, she accepts "no" and steps prone to wait untill he's gone.
... Waits long to see he's preoccupied with matters & scatters, nothings wrong ...

*Sniff* *Sniff*

Time passes till it lap's his mind's casket so he draws 3 more lines to endulge
... Two get done but his body's old so he heads to the bathroom to convulse ...
Daddy's gone and opportunity unfolds it's arms to hold the neglected soul
... Rejected tolls till the infected coils it's scourge around the bill she holds ...
She mimics Daddy's bold poise & unleashes the noise of the deaf instructor
She inhales the product and conducts the unthinkable ... the breath of comfort
She coughs as her head aches from blood baked on caked membrains laced
Dawn evaporates to hate as the walls disapate till she's taunt with pain & numb


*Sniff* *Sniff*

... Returning wordless, ever worthless as he closes the field inwhich he reigns ...
He rounds the corner of heavens bend and enters hell in a moments pausing pang
Something strange, Brenda's whithered behind the sofa, unmoving .. in a coma
... Blood trickles past her breathless lips untill the site rips his heart in cold lumps ...

"What have you done? I told you to leave that shit alone! Now your gone & im withdrawn
How will I live? I rely on you for proper income ... now it's gone & im finished!
Thanks, Brenda. Daddy's fucked because to touched snow & you diminished
I need to think again, feel that drip and be free again & I can't because you didnt listen."
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Crhyme Sindicate

The unexamined life is not worth living.

Last edited by Mentalz : 12-07-05 at 09:13 PM.
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Old 12-06-05, 10:50 PM   #2
Mentalz
The Topical Juggernaut
 
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Text Record: 6-3
IP: CCF3 0222

Links incoming.
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Old 12-06-05, 10:56 PM   #3
Mentalz
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Blow It - Topical

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Crhyme Sindicate

The unexamined life is not worth living.
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Old 12-07-05, 12:30 PM   #4
Viva
Cuz I'm Old Skool Baby
 
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alrite im jus gonna leave simple feed here. the structure obviously was messy, it was different in all three verses, but thats kool, that doesnt affect the whole piece in my opinion. this was a good story, highly emotional and flowed well, nice twist on it. good job
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I'm white so u KNOW i can't rap =)

I will definitely RTF if u leave a link, thanks!
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Old 12-07-05, 09:15 PM   #5
Mentalz
The Topical Juggernaut
 
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IP: D35B 3F85

Structures fine in my opinion. Unless you're looking for an eye orgasm. Thanks for your opinions, though. Appreciate it.
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Old 12-11-05, 12:31 PM   #6
Mentalz
The Topical Juggernaut
 
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Text Record: 6-3
IP: CCF3 0222

Uppin, will RTF.
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Old 12-11-05, 05:09 PM   #7
lumberjack
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Just Didn't Have The Woring Of Good Rap Maybe If You Didn'kt Hate So Much You Maybe Albe To Do Better Feel Me Rewrite This Piece And Try Again
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Old 12-11-05, 06:04 PM   #8
Mentalz
The Topical Juggernaut
 
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Posts: 885
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Text Record: 6-3
IP: CCF3 0222

Hahaha. Tell me when you feel better.
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Old 12-11-05, 07:30 PM   #9
ExaQtion
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i like it because its kind of deep shit...and it express's ur knowledge about whats around you...interesting spit
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