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Old 01-14-06, 04:41 PM   #1
ksr
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"Thinkin Of A Master Plan"

IP: 49FB B804

“Thinking of a Master Plan”


It is late at night in the city, the deserted streets are covered in a foggy gray
I lie awake thinking of my plans, I am ready for whatever comes my way

With my intelligence and strength, I will obtain money, fame, and might
I know I am capable enough to become a winner in this funny game of life
Admitted, I have my flaws… but even my weaknesses are creeping away
I haven’t done drugs in a month, haven’t smoked in exactly a week n a day
And I leap at opportunity, its something good that the game gonna do to me
Just flow with the music, b, the times might get tough but hope is immunity
It’s gon get me through this sea, of dangerous streets where treachery lurks
I’m risin above the hexes of birth, untouchable, an eagle on a feathery perch
Lookin down on the world where death isn’t a curse, I’ma soar higher still
Relying on my inspired skill to get away, because sparks burn and fires kill
The temptation of crime is a liar still, one whose death will not be lamented
I won’t be rear-ended on the road of life, my moral code won’t be amended
Life’s a bitch with a hand extended, and I’m reaching for her saving touch
I refuse to be even debatin stuff that will put my soul within Satan’s clutch
No crime and no more flamin dutch, cuz I know that I’m stronger than that
I’ll right all the wrongs of my past, I’ma dust off my gloves n walk up to bat
My wait to be great will be no longer than half of what I’ve dreamed before
A taste of redemption will make me scream for more, now I’ve seen the hole
In this wall of struggle I’ve been bleedin for, I’ma climb out n not look back
This chapter in my book is whack, I’ll write a new one without crooked fact
Now I’ve formulated my master plan, my thoughts are hopeful and sobering
I lay back and relax, allowing the welcome peace of sleep to come over me


I wake up to mud splashed in my face, my feet are hurt and my back is sore
I recall my plans for the future, but I’ve made them dozens of times before
My life will never change, I’m sure of that and I’ve already given up hope
This hole is too deep to escape, I can only hope someone’ll throw me a rope
I roll off my bed of boxes and pick up a sign, too ashamed to read it myself
The cardboard reads “Homeless, and Hungry, Need Donations, Please Help”






my drop in a sapient speech topical battle (go sign up )
i'm new to topicals/OMs so please give feed

i'll post my links in a minute
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Old 01-14-06, 04:54 PM   #2
Germ
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its been 14 minutes, i'll leave feed when you post links, or else this is closed
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Old 01-14-06, 05:00 PM   #3
ksr
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left feed on...
SlicKnife- The Meaning of Death- http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2617244
and
Mentalz- Shot in the Dark- http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2617249


n Drakel, if ur gonna leave feed could u just vote on the battle
that league is gonna die if noone votes on it, and there havent been any votes on my battle

Last edited by Xplosive : 01-14-06 at 05:10 PM.
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Old 01-15-06, 02:04 PM   #4
ksr
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up
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Old 01-15-06, 02:09 PM   #5
Kawn Flixx
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Word i was really feeling this peice...you had nice imagery and emotions , your vocab and wordplay usuage was alittle simplicit..but it was cool the only thing i felt that you could have elevated alittle bit on is your lines ..they need to be short and sweet..make your point across with out using so many words...but overall pretty decent drop keep it up.
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Old 01-16-06, 10:32 AM   #6
ksr
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ight thanx for the feed, uppin
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Old 01-16-06, 04:35 PM   #7
SlicKnife
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…Great

Ok, you wrote this very well with a good choice of words, and really got your point of view across in the first part with great emotion, it was deep and to the point – it flows continuously, and almost sounds as though someone is actually speaking this and you are listening…the flow as mentioned was good, the multis were there – you managed to make this very effective with how you wrote it and the ending was great…did not expect it, but it complimented what you had written very well and this was all constructed good…very good vocab too, Imagery was there…definitely one of the best pieces I have read on here so far…

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Old 01-16-06, 09:59 PM   #8
Mentalz
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Nice drop man. The flow was consistant, I can't recall that it fell off in any given place, so i'm just going to say it didnt. You mentioned in one of my threads how you had a problem with stretched lines. Man, thats not a problem it's a style. Alot of people mock long lines because they can't get them to flow and remain consistantly on point. You did, however, and that's good. Don't change your style because a few people can't write well. True, longer lines do give you more room to do things with, as apposed to short consise lines, but it matters not.

The imagery on this was very good, structure was on point. Your rhyme scheme was maintained, though simple. Your internals were pretty much all there, though I would argue a larger vocab and more complex rhymes would have been better, that's my opinion.

The last verse, the closer, was very good. I didnt see it coming at all and it made me think for a minute, I like that. I think the last two lines bore the most imagery and emotion, cos' it was real.

I wouldnt say it was one of the best pieces i've read on the OM, though it was written well. Keep it up bro, and good luck in SS. Thanks for the feed.

Peace.
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Old 01-17-06, 09:22 PM   #9
ksr
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uppin this thanx yall
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Old 01-17-06, 10:39 PM   #10
-Substance-
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i enjoyed this piece, nice flow, good vocab, not the greatest but i fell in nicely with your structure. The topic was nice and your flow only fell off slighty for a line or two. I like the way you used the topic and made it very interesting to read x. nice job homie....hopin to see more
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Old 01-18-06, 08:21 PM   #11
ksr
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uppin for more feed
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Old 01-20-06, 03:46 PM   #12
ksr
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lookin for some more feed on this...
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Old 01-21-06, 07:43 PM   #13
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i liked this piece u had nice imargery and emotions vocab was on point your flow stayed on point tha whole time nice wordplay overall this wa a good piece
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