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04-24-03, 11:38 AM | #1 | ||||||
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Provoked thoughts
IP: A263 E8BE
why am i born to die
the voice of the still borns cry asleep in spirit, concevied in thruth currupt by sin of the ruthless womb seeds fall on soil, rich with life and grow unexpected, rejected some fall on stones the merciless sun and perilous nights, form sons of darkness denied the light while tender roses,grow sweet and bloom the thorns provoken, have sealed their doom the winters past, petals lie on the floor the rose is gone, so remains the thorn The humble, can be humbled no more trials seen, pain endured showers of pain, as hours of rain, it drizzels, now its yours the Proud, laugh, slander, those living through hell your winter is comming, believe,brace your selves if light was dark, and day was night our views of love, of wrong, of right show opression as training, weakness as wealth the meek as the greatest the depressed as blessed then our world, would be, not as it is but as it should the mute sing, the blind see things, like schollars from the hood BONE DEEP one |
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04-24-03, 02:53 PM | #2 | |||||||
New to RB
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IP: 00A4 6510
this was pretty good. I liked this.
Your use of rhyme worked and that can be difficult to achieve...I was feeling this.... well here and there anyway. why am i born to die the voice of the still borns cry asleep in spirit, concevied in thruth currupt by sin of the ruthless womb seeds fall on soil, rich with life and grow unexpected, rejected some fall on stones the merciless sun and perilous nights, form sons of darkness denied the light the first two stanzas were great I thought... most of this poem was good and it showed thought in the formulation of your ideas. However I thought that the end was a little corny. Don't mean to badmouth or anything but you had ill, smart poem until you used the scholars from the hood line...it's too much of an elementary similie. Dope shit anyway. Peace
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I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale. |
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04-24-03, 03:10 PM | #3 | ||||||
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IP: BFE5 28C7
At times written very well, with some good imagery..
..but i felt some of the lines weren't constructed as well as they could've been, and you missed out some words when writing...stuff like that... ..but overall, the message was fairtly strong and clear...and the ending could've been very good, but the last line seemed a bit blunt and elaborate in a way... ....still, good piece for sure... ...resp.. |
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04-24-03, 04:17 PM | #4 | ||||||
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IP: A263 E8BE
yeh i know the last line was messed up, u can probably tell i started rushing near the end.
feedback is appreciated one |
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04-24-03, 08:14 PM | #5 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: A3A0 3CBF
I liked this good job man. keep it coming. good stuff
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04-25-03, 10:01 AM | #6 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: A263 E8BE
yeh, one
uppin for feedback |
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