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11-03-03, 07:15 PM | #1 | ||||||
Guest
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Lucid blackness
IP: 7844 7DB2
Unaware unknown to many people
My eyes dart faster than catholics to a steeple Sword unleashed defeat foes over autumn leaves Let the blood drip mark my areas with the dead Ahead of your every move I leave every wall red Called upon by no-one my work is done alone Home is where I position myself wherever I roam This life I am one but I am not lonely Phoney juniors try to emulate but they remain below me Trained away from your world mentality always focused The low ruts of society eaten out by a plague of locusts No hocus pocus this shit will burn ya eyes out Nobody left standing when my katana flies out Not tied down that’s the discipline Never see me natural as autumn leaves rustlin’ Too many names added to the mortuary I represent death Chest pressed you don’t even get to take a last breath Known to many cultures but specific to none I’m content nobody knows where I’m coming from… The ninja Look closely to what I bring ya You linger but your future is set in stone Watch humanity fall as I ascend the throne Full of clones I walk this earth I control this alone Slipped through shadowless my goal is never out of sight Outright murder you fall simply outta fright The night proves my cover blow through like the wind The vary basis of your moral standing becomes underpinned The corrupt feel the full blast of the dark form Poison from a sharp thorn I turn murder into an art form The stark form I show cause panic among masses Task-less emotionally blind to death I amass this My hands stained from the countless deaths to my name Blame the workings of society to me this killing has no shame Rich poor to me you all the same Living in this world accumulate to nothing Spreading your disease you show no sign of stopping The temperature is dropping you feel the cold rushing through ya veins Inane rulings from your leaders you living in a world full of pain Strong enough to break free? I see your attempts fail miserably I cut you short save you from living life in misery The living and the dead accumulate to conquer their fears Appear by your side I attack those who you feel are near Wheels of life turning this world in a constant state of change Aight hit me up. Its still in progress this but tell me what yas all think uptil now. peace |
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11-03-03, 07:36 PM | #2 | ||||||
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IP: 19AF 50C1
the bottom column was tight but the beginner fallowed lil rhyme scheme.....it was beautifully composed....just odd in scheme but never the less fire
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11-03-03, 07:46 PM | #3 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: 4577 CD9A
The flow here was a bit choppy here and there....work on the consistency of your words to make sure the piece has a good, consistent flow.
Your vocab was awesome. You described things in depth and painted a picture. I liked that It's creative because it's not a subject people touch on a lot...overall.... Just make sure that flow isn't choppy at times man...other than that...I like to see more pieces
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"Knowledge is intelligence. Intelligence is power. Mind is music, but music is forever." - Trip Marxx <font color="red"><font face="comic sans"><center>An you thought I was wack?</center></font> <h2><font color="blue"><center>-- Merkin You One Line At A Time --</font></center></h> <center>www.soundclick.com/tripmarxx</center> |
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11-04-03, 01:00 AM | #4 | ||||
Word.
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IP: 9C1E 2B43
Yeah this was pretty good.....flow needs some work though, got off at times but still a good piece....add a few more internals and multies to help the flow.....your vocab was real good, nothing wrong there really.....structured it pretty good i thought....overall it was a pretty good piece....keep at it....and keep dropping.
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11-04-03, 02:45 AM | #5 | ||||||
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IP: 99A4 4566
dawg som tight shit in that aiight.Yea tha same as what mmost othas hav been saying the end was tha Best.
Aiight Peace (v) |
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11-14-03, 03:11 PM | #6 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: A9F4 5CAA
great concept, great vocab and imagery man. your flow and rhyme scheme was a little broken in places but overall you carried off.
keep posting, keep elavating. |
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11-14-03, 03:28 PM | #7 | |||||||
Omnipresent
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IP: 6521 D40E
second verse hot, first not, first wa skinda odd, no real pattern, jus goign back to the same sylabble u rhymed on three lines before...it was more of a rant
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Sublime
Worthy of awe and praise Respect "..Very nice..Very emotional...real Deep piece..I really enjoyed reading this..there are few good writers on this site..and I think they are good cause simply they write some good shit..but..rarely I enjoy reading a piece..but..this was fantastic..peace.."
<center>HemiSphere The Write Side Of Your Mind</center> <imgsrc=http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/attachmentid=8588&stc=1>
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11-14-03, 03:29 PM | #8 | |||||||
Omnipresent
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IP: 6521 D40E
by the way check out the three open mics by sublime
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Sublime
Worthy of awe and praise Respect "..Very nice..Very emotional...real Deep piece..I really enjoyed reading this..there are few good writers on this site..and I think they are good cause simply they write some good shit..but..rarely I enjoy reading a piece..but..this was fantastic..peace.."
<center>HemiSphere The Write Side Of Your Mind</center> <imgsrc=http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/attachmentid=8588&stc=1>
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11-14-03, 03:40 PM | #9 | |||||||
Got More Meds Than Pfizer
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IP: 39D1 FF34
i liked the first verse more than the second , it flowed better on a beat... i like yo-vocab, shit's pretty good on da real.. 1
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Authentik Intelligence
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