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12-03-03, 07:51 PM | #1 | |||||||
See ya.
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An Illfated Pair
IP: C1DA C961
Names? Biologically: Paul and Saul can mend the fervorness. .
& what's an epic without names - for all intensive purposes Youthful as any, both characters designed to be like Socrates While Webster himself couldn't do better defining mediocrity Paul's outgoing. . Generic preachers and teachers had liked him An incomplete profile without saying his features were striking Social accolades built him; friends provided a thunderous grievance The tell-tale battle as potential collides with underachievement That is, in education; now, as we enter the hallway to Hell The playing field is even - school: a place where Saul could excel Out-of-shape & acne-ridden. . A mind not pompous but astounding Confident; needless to say, Saul's still conscious of surroundings Another blasé teen scripture? Don't debate my kin, be patient. . Because I wouldn't have written this without greater implications A captor had entered now, and both boys' souls were pocketed The captor realized, minus geography, he'd captured polar opposites But with a clear mind, the captor left his endeavor spun & smothered Sadly, without his help, such a link would've never been discovered So he dissected mentalities. . Without help, he soothed their tension All the while laughing at more examples of self-induced depression Captor smirks, returning souls; Paul & Saul would yield a dependant plea Society was unmasked and laughing as he revealed his identity. . With joyless lives, Paul & Saul would rebound - with "true" hate, though The captor wins again, for the individuals had found a new scapegoat in Society I'll get links up soon - please, only real feedback.
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Word for Word
Kevin - Patrick - Alex - John - Ian . . the artists formerly known as Word Perfect . . Still > you. R h y m e | V a n t a g e Last edited by Koalatee : 12-03-03 at 07:53 PM. |
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12-03-03, 09:03 PM | #2 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: 3CB4 1CE2
ok............ok,ok,ok,les see,da story waz coo,i waz feelin where it waz goin jus felt u coulda said sum shit differently,but 2 each his/her own,seen a few blotches of complex vocab but dey seemed outta place,shoulda focused on makin erythang even,what u did is kinda like takin 2 different sized puzzle pieces n tryna fit em 2getha,shit gets sloppy,but w/ time comes experience,n hopfully w/ experience u'll gain da skill needed 2 fix ur flaws,so keep at it,1~IMAG
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12-04-03, 11:58 AM | #3 | |||||||
See ya.
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IP: 4AD8 6573
Thanks . . More feedback, please.
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Word for Word
Kevin - Patrick - Alex - John - Ian . . the artists formerly known as Word Perfect . . Still > you. R h y m e | V a n t a g e |
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12-04-03, 02:38 PM | #4 | |||||||
..Soft Focus..
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IP: 1B3B C284
this was a good read you had a lot of good line and great vocab it stayed on topic and flowed nicle keep it up
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Open Mics The Weathers Art http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673 My Teenage Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850 Secluded http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851 Open Your Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461 |
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12-04-03, 04:26 PM | #5 | |||
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IP: A9A7 727D
where are these links that you will "get up soon"?
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Life isn't a bitch... she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis |
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12-04-03, 04:43 PM | #6 | |||||||
See ya.
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IP: C1DA C961
Strategically at rest in the back of my mind, waiting to see if this forum has been cleaned up to the degree of maybe an actual piece of criticism. . Obviously, that's not the case, so close at will.
__________________
Word for Word
Kevin - Patrick - Alex - John - Ian . . the artists formerly known as Word Perfect . . Still > you. R h y m e | V a n t a g e |
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12-04-03, 05:58 PM | #7 | |||||||
BANNED
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IP: 970D 9C87
damn this was sum nice shit....i was feeling this good structure and wordplay fo sho...............
9/10 |
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