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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
02-25-06, 01:45 PM
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#1
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New to RV
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Topical: Going Under
IP: 127E 43A1
Topic: Going Under Cant hold on anymore man,im going~under, lifes jus my growing~blunder Theres quik sand flowing~under me, n for me man its not slowing~wonder Ingulfs my mind, how'd i get ta this~damn~point, I look bak disappoint- Ment is all i can remember. only 29, but still smoking this~damn~joint I'm sitting on my couch in my shitty~apartment, not a pretty~compartment Wholes punctured in the wall,three rooms, small like a glove compartment Da stuffing comming out of da couch,40 ounce in hand as i go to crouch Puke on the floor,sit back rub my unshaved face and think as i slouch The wall paper is droopin down on the wall, this place falling~apart Phone rings,callin~apartment manager demanding money im stallin~start To say ill get it,but she hangs up, jus a lie i got nothin for~rent Nothing anymore~spent it all gambling, those drugs, n some more~went To women,walk over to the rooms~small~sink, countinue to consume~my~drink N smoke dat joint,stair in da cracked mirror,ugly face in it,resume to think That i was nothing since a small~kid, get dizzy n grap the wall~rid Myself agian of vomate. when i was seven my school got the call~hid The truth, they said my parents were gone, that they had dissapeared N den put me in an orphanig, n no one wanted me n this~brought~tears Started den n my life kept goin~down, the waters jus been growing~drown At anypoint i think i jus mite cuz my life neva been easygoing~frowns Now indented on my dirty face, return to the living room witout grace Toppel onto the floor, screaming out loud gotta get out of this place I stand up n stagger over to the window, savin thoughts within~blow In den out, angrely pull it open, my head spins~snow starts to blow Into my apartment, 8th floor, below, covering the ground the~snow Den i slowly get up on the ledge, i see~no point in life n then go links soon to come |
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02-25-06, 04:41 PM
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#2
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Middle Weight
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IP: 5F3B 6A14
you have alot of multies, and good imagery but this lacks real emotion... I didn't feeling the depression this shoulda displayed... the structure was cool for the most part... but the flow coulda been more fluid... the build up to some of the multies was too constricted... it effected the over all flow... but keep doing what you do... 1
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\....../ \..../ \../ A.I. Spilled Inc.   |
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02-25-06, 08:48 PM
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#3
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IP: 31C2 62EB
Drop two links or this will be closed
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The Competition
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02-25-06, 09:33 PM
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#4
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I Chill in Asylums
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IP: 9133 A552
Multies in this were really nice man, good job with that, and the imagery was very good too. Like H.D. said it lacks emotion, i didnt really get any feeling out of this, the flow was nice for me, not bad at all. Defenitely keep it man, pleas rtf on anything in the sig, thanks. Peace.
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02-26-06, 02:04 AM
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#5
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Light Weight
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IP: AFB5 2A33
Wow this was actually not bad. The second I looked at your structure I was like "Fuck this is gonna be shitty" ... fix your structure. Imagery and emotion were solid throughout, multies were ok. Internals were nice and I was feeling the flow in most places, it's good when you can make the melody in your head. I liked the way this ended too, left it with strong emotion...good job.
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=223176
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Was he robbed of the ashphalt that cushioned his face? |
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02-26-06, 05:43 AM
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#6
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New to RV
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IP: 127E 43A1
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02-27-06, 02:40 AM
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#7
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New to RV
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IP: 44AA C683
common people stop sleepin
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03-01-06, 03:10 AM
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#8
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New to RV
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IP: 127E 43A1
you guys are being bitches
give me some feed here |
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