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Old 08-15-04, 03:56 PM   #1
KISI
atlas the vagabond
 
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In you

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in art class when i was in in school suspension, my art teacher gave me a painting to look at. It was a old black man, sitting on a park bench, with a weathered, sad expression on his face, and i beleive a beer in his hand. it inspired me to write this.

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post1499139

magically//
tragedy and poverty's intertwined in a contrast tapestry//
contrast to happy it has to be//
after weeks//
of unfortunate happenings//
still have the seeds of sinful acts to reap//
broken soul and home that's candle lit and bleak//
interwoven to surprise//
immortally moist eyes//
cascading with grief//
emitting a small cry for the weak//
so easy to me//
to continue an endless cycle of self pity for loss of the dreams//
that keep me from crossin it seems//
this line thin as string//
my life's wide as a hair and it's losing it's lenghth//
with each use of a drink//
to lesson self abuse when i think//
about how life's through in a blink//
sometimes we're all on the brink//
sometimes i wish 'good' was a pool that i could fall in and sink//

Last edited by Maku JaiiLiin : 08-15-04 at 04:04 PM.
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Old 08-15-04, 04:06 PM   #2
BrOTheRP.A.R.A.
~Mr. Punch-Lines~
 
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it had the vocab flow but your punches were wack
vocab: 7/10
flow: 6/10
punches: 3/10
ovverall 5/10 it was alright now the greatest
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Old 08-15-04, 04:07 PM   #3
KISI
atlas the vagabond
 
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it's not a battle verse, buddy. So it's not meant to have punches.
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Old 08-15-04, 04:33 PM   #4
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Not to bad but I wasnt feelin the beat. Still some nice flowin and you could really see the picture in your head.
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Old 08-15-04, 05:06 PM   #5
Enhance
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You need to elevate you also need to obey rules


Read the rule about link's. if you want this open mic to stay open.
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Old 08-16-04, 05:47 PM   #6
KISI
atlas the vagabond
 
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i don't understand what the problem is, i read through the open mic rules, and i put a link there, what'd i do wrong?
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