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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
09-18-05, 08:31 PM
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#1
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1926
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"Rainy Days" ft. Makaveli Trained
IP: 3240 794D
[[Intro]]
'News Reporter: *Winds And Storms Raging In The Background* "As Gale Force Winds Of Katrina Continue To Rip The Once New Orleans From Its Roots We Are Left With But One Question... Why?" *Starts To Cry* "H-How Could This Be Happening?" *Falls To Knees And Feed Is Cut Off* ________________________________________ *Turns Tv Off*' ... [[Verse One: Makaveli Trained]] An unwanted amount of leisure time…..it's Spring and here's the dejavu Medalling with inanimate wall fixtures because there's nothing more to do Standing motionless, staring out the window hoping those angry clouds would move No one outside, no friends to hang with, bored as fuck and sleepy too These unfortunate circumstances, there's better ways the day could be spent Desperation shows, when you find yourself doing homework on the weekend (lol) By now I've seen 106 and Park twice and memorized the top ten You can yell and scream all you want…I just wish God would stop cryin ... A Child Lost In A Sea Of Nature's Fury [[Verse Two: Atticus]] Sit in the dark, a windows black heart rings rope about this homes last art. Starts with a drizzle before a damp skies shutter captures the devils mark and cries. A few drops to a tissue until a cloud is impaled. Satan rams a thorn in its side until the mighty winds waild. The wind rips through the valleys picking up every little alley to bevel the sick deviled tunes whipping the clouds ease. Now these titans battle, colliding down upon each ground. Dont even notice the cold dieing sounds. [[Chorus x2]] TV: "...Please, Just A 5 Dollars Could Help Save These Victims Of Hurricane Katrina" Please, in the rath of land and sea, im trapt. Led me your hand... Pull me out this quick sand at last. Please, stand for me because I can no longer pray, Save and save, but my pennies could have never fathemd this rainy day. ...Swimming In Fear [[Verse Three: Atticus]] The winds continue a quick assault to hault the devils waltz, but evils slick. Blumes tall his stance as his hands grasp at the sky. Never once the eye of heaven dry of black cries throughout the entire event. My entire home swept from my feet as these extreme hope's decent. Stood there in awe. Jaw long, watching this book of the almighty written in whips upon this roof. As then... a freedom graced my face as wet touched me from the feet up as inocence is casualty in the wars of land an sea... Katrina. "Please, Please Will You Help Me? [[Verse Four: Makaveli Trained]] Nothing on tv, my girl wont even pick up her fucking phone…..come on Jen It'll be over soon says my parents, okay…..how bout telling me when Feels like I have no life, can't stop movin, what happened to my discipline I should be doing something important, instead pop in a cd and listen to Ren Tired by noon, meant to take a short rest and find myself asleep by 8 pm Shit, next time I'm goin to the club, you can bet I'll never do this crap again Yep, another day wasted, look what the rain did, I didn't even see my friends But that's nothing at all compared to what Katrina did to New Orleans |
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09-18-05, 08:42 PM
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#2
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1926
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IP: 3240 794D
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09-19-05, 04:00 PM
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#3
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©
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IP: D9A5 D207
OMG dawg a real nice OM.......lots of emotion in it with some real nice vocab......but the only thing wrong with this is the struture which is not just on-point!!!!
8/10 a nice collab dawgs |
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09-19-05, 04:54 PM
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#4
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A Life Of Chryme
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IP: 28AD 5545
wow, this really blew me away...your structure was a problem for me mainly...i feel you could have structurized it more appropriatley but other than that...your emotion was breath taking, felt you used veryy efficient imagery....one of the best ive seen so far......keep doin ya thing....man 8/10 no doubt.....
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A LIFE OF CHRYME |
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09-20-05, 06:31 AM
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#5
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1926
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IP: 28AD 5545
*Scratches Head*
Uuum, The Structure? You Just Read Through, Fallow The Punctuation, ... But Even If You Stop At The Ends Of The Lines It Flow That Way Too. It's Written To Flow Any Way Possible. *Shrugs* Whatever, Thanks Alot For The Feedback Though. |
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09-21-05, 12:13 PM
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#6
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Fuck Parents
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IP: 00E4 CAB9
rise.............................................. .......
__________________
CS
....for life |
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09-21-05, 02:53 PM
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#7
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I Chill in Asylums
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IP: 1E58 30DA
This piece was dope in my opinion. The imagery was conveyed really good and the emotion in it was great. Also i think it flowed well between each verse. But the structure needs a lil bit more work on, but u should be able to do that with the utmost of ease.
But overall i give u 8.5/10 |
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09-21-05, 03:02 PM
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#8
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1926
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IP: 28AD 5545
*Smacks Forehead*
Lolmao, God, Why Cant Anyone Reed My Shit? ... Oh Well, Guess I'll Just Go Back To My Old Style, Thats What I Get For Striving For Originality |
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09-21-05, 03:10 PM
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#9
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Fuck Parents
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IP: 3240 794D
lol......i think maybe they mean the structure between both of our verses like how mine is stretched more than yours
__________________
CS
....for life |
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09-21-05, 03:17 PM
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#10
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Fuck Parents
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IP: 3240 794D
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...5059post3185059
lol, now someone says that the structure was the best part of the piece im so confoooosed.......
__________________
CS
....for life |
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09-21-05, 04:25 PM
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#11
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Insane in the textbrain
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IP: CF51 8482
I've only read Mak's part since he asked me to. Hmm to be honest, it's ok, but your rhyme scheme and vocabulary are too simple. Too stretched so doesn't flow too well. Other than that the actual subject matter is not bad.
Sorry I'm pretty critical of topicals cos I read and translate a lot of serious rap texts plus I write a lot in general (but not topical songs hehe)
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Fee Fi Fo Fum, now bitch I'm a giant And your ass is like Jack, but your magic beans is wack Skills is what you lack I'm like a Benz, you ain't even like a Cadillac Ya more like a Reagal I'm a pittbull and you's a beagel |
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09-21-05, 04:25 PM
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#12
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1926
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IP: 28AD 5545
*Shakes Head*
Rb>Rv ... Enough Said. |
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09-21-05, 08:44 PM
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#13
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IP: DB23 8C72
^^ Lol
Anyways Nice Verse From Both I Can Really Picture The Intro That Really Set The Whole Piece Of And It Was A Good Start I Can Tell How You Did The Structure Nice Way To Do Somthing Diffrent I Read It Useing The Periods And It Flowed Good Hook Is Good I Like The T.V. Part And The Choruse Comes In Nicely This Would Be Real Tight On Audio Mak Would Just Haft To Spit Fast Cause Is Lines Are Longer Overall Nice Drop R.T.F. On Real Life Click It In My Sig
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09-21-05, 10:06 PM
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#14
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Light Weight
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IP: 6985 6314
That was real nice good job nice flow nice everthing
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09-22-05, 07:33 AM
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#15
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Fuck Parents
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IP: 00E4 CAB9
rise.....................
__________________
CS
....for life |
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