This is only my second open mic since being back and the first one sucked severely, hopefully this aint as bad. Pls any feedback is greatly appreciated, even if its one or two words or just a little point or two .....anything


So reach with your hands up and tickle the clouds
Put the nimbus in your fingers and swirl it around
Should never let the tall walk be too far out of reach
Tweak things neatly -keep from sleeping on dreams
The lights need to be full beam, full steam ahead
The cool team can catch a worm without leaving their bed
Without turning their head, less yet breaking a sweat
Always remember lifes a game, like a big chess set.
If events stir up regrets and things stop making sense
Maybe get into learning, you’ll get nowhere being dense
Focus your mind and decide wats gonna be right
Take control of your life like you’re your own wife
At night time say your prayers, yeah! Like god cares?!?!
Its not god whos listening, but theres someone upstairs
Fuck god, its passed family and friends who be listening
God aint gonna push me even tho I had a christening
If theres one lesson readers take from a verse like this
Life will pass you by, grab it by the balls if ya wanna exist



feedback ive given

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...889#post2557889
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...889#post2557889

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Good verse i liked the content looks like i aint the only person with a negative outlook on life your from the uk too so i feel what your saying lol.
The concept was cool but nothing outstanding, i thought the vocab was nice perfect for the content of the piece youy didnt need to go over the top with it and you didnt so it was a focused piece. Your imagery was the nicest part some good emotion in there describing what you think about life and giving advice the Grabbing life by the balls line was cool made me smirk. The only thing i didnt like was the flow maybe try and add in a few multies it will add a bit more complexity to your writtens. Other than that i really liked it.
Can you return the feed on my piece its called 'Sick State' id appreciate it.

Ok... A few things you could do to improve your compilation would be to add a alot more multies.... dont stray off topic so much, instead delve deeper into it.

A few plus's... your flow wasnt bad at all, your vocab wasnt misused, and your structure was on point.

Like I said in the first sentence, those two things will REALLY improve your writing technique and fan base.

Peace.

RTF to something in my sig. (preferably a battle)

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Blow It - Topical

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yeah sorry bout that blunted iv put them on now. Forgot i had to do that

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This piece was aight like Mentalz said u should add more multies, ur vocab was cool for this piece cuz it made it flow a little bit easier. And u might also wanna add more images in it like descriptions of something to get it more in depth. My favorite line was "Life will pass you by, grab it by the balls if ya wanna exist" i thought that was nice. But overall i'd give it an 7/10. Keep writing man, peace.

Uppin' the piece.

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Blow It - Topical

Easy Dex,

That was a wicked drop mate. I'm not gonna analyze your rhyme, cos i feel that you're better than me, so how could I!?

I'm still working on that collabo. I've dried up more than a nun! Total writing block!
I just need some new instrumentals to rhyme to.

Anyways, I'll holla at you soon geeza!